The Catalina Picayune-Intelligence

Non Novi Sub Soli
'Still No Goddamn Update'

'ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING' AT BIG HOLE IN GROUND, OFFICIALS SAY
'Really,' says shady-looking fed

CATALINA, AZ.–For the fifth straight day, officials here are maintaining that 'absolutely nothing' is going on at and around a humongous excavation site on the outskirts of Catalina.

'Really, it's nothing,' said the official, who would identify himself only as 'Blaig Blecker.' 'It's just some big hole in the ground, no need to get all suspicious and whatnot,' Blecker said.

'That"s enough now,' Blecker continued. 'No need to keep poking around.'

According to Blecker, these were 'not the droids you"re looking for,' and bystanders should not feel that they had to 'see his identification.'

Locals have given widely differing reactions to the hole.

'Far as I can reckon, it's gonna be a hydroponic trout farm,' said Gunner Gunnerson, 102, a lifelong Catalina resident. 'Economy round here ain't been too good since the great Trout Pogrom of '06. Maybe this will help shore up things round these parts.'

'That crook Roosevelt hasn't wrung us dry yet,' Gunnerson added.

Others take a dimmer view of the mysterious activity.

'Yeah, it's those NSA operatives,' said Emmit Gndnkrnd, 26, a self-described 'paranormalpsychoufopharmacologist' who lives in his mother's basement.

'Ever since they put the nanosites in the drinking water, of course, it hasn't been safe around here,' Gndnkrnd said. 'I just hope I can get together enough allowance to get out before the Trilateral Commission ops storm my research archives. Fortunately, I've amassed enough tinfoil to cover my entire... hey, where are you going?'

Whatever is going on, we here at the Catalina P-I will keep our readers posted on the minute-by-minute updates, unless we don't feel like it.

POLICE BLOTTER: TWO-DAY BENDER LANDS TWO MEN IN STIR
Police report describes 'Animal House' antics

TUSCON, AZ.–The Pima County drunk tank has its first occupants in over a month, as two men, identifying themselves variously as 'Frank and Jake,' 'Frake and Jank,' and 'Frank and Beans,' were booked on counts of disturbing the peace and drunk and disorderly.

Pima County Sheriff Shep 'Shep' Buckleheimer said that the two men were 'carryin' on and makin' a ruckus loud enough to blow the [feces] out of a Chevy.'

'I reckon,' Buckleheimer added.

After a twenty-four hour stay, both men were given a stern warning and released.

County officials would not comment on allegations that the men were caught singing 'Auld Lang Syne,' shouting 'Happy 1974!' and challenging each other to 'hop this bottle of Scotch back thirty years, I want it to be good 'n' tasty.'

When asked about this last allegation, the man calling himself 'Jake' said 'Hop this bottle of sc... hopscotch!' and collapsed in a fit of giggles.

HATTIE'S SOCIETY COLUMN: EX-SPOOK WOOS PRIDE OF GOTHAM

Sounds of hulking construction equipment and crackling government walkie-talkies fill the air... could wedding bells soon be joining them?

Frank Harker, a former CIA operative and Catalina newcomer, has been sighted in the company of a young lady known only as 'Rose,' a Manhattan resident.

'Rose,' my spies tell me, will be representing the United States of America at the 2004 Olympics in Athens, as part of the women's Rock-Paper-Scissors team.

Will her scissors be enough to cut through his paper? Only time will tell...

EDITORIAL: GOVERNMENT AGENTS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
By John Smith, Special Contributor to the P-I

I know a lot of you have mixed feelings about representatives of the United States Government. You may have heard bad stories about them from your relatives, or perhaps seen negative depictions of them on television programs, or in popular music.

But it's high time that you knew the truth: government agents are your friends. It's true! They want only to help you, and ro make sure that these great United States are as happy and as secure as possible. So any stories you might have heard about agents bothering people, or eating their food and smoking their cigars, or enthusiastically violating their human rights, are just not true!

Part of what makes America great is its government, and how there are so many different groups working at the same time to protect you. So it's important to give every government agent respect, no matter what agency he is representing. Whether it's the FBI, or the CIA, or even the [REDACTED], you can be assured that the agents are working overtime to protect you and your loved ones.

So next time you see a government agent—not that you should expect to see any in Catalina any time soon or anything—remember to acknowledge him (or even her—this is the 21st century, after all) with a tip of your cap, and possibly even a hearty greeting. Unless the agent appears to be operating undercover, in which case you should immediately present yourself to the closest federal building for a debrief and possibly processing.

With these simple steps, together we can help the government help us.

Click here for this week's wacky (and topical) political cartoon!

all content (c)2004 the Catalina P-I.
Caveat emptor.