unforum

[Dorkmaster]

I would like to ask for a cameo in which I regret my decision to be in a cameo.

See, to understand Dorkmaster is to understand that annoying little jerk you all went to school with who COULD NOT RESIST THE JOKE, NO MATTER HOW BAD!!! So, um yeah. Me likey cameos.

And Pudding.

[tsondie21]

pudding will stop your heart.

[Saevitia]

Chapter 2 is now up.

Some people got cameos this chapter, some people didn't. Just because your name was mentioned in this chapter dosn't mean that's your cameo. You will get screen time in another chapter if you didn't in this one.

Hope you enjoy.

Also, if you like, #darxide is in fact, a real channel.

[RungeKutta]

Oh yea, slap me some of dat +o err cameo.

[Atrophied]

Bleh, I hate doing this, but you asked for any errors, so here's what I see.

In the email address (4th line)- the space between "darkstar" and "@" shouldn't be there.

Other than that, amazing job on the story... I can't wait to see what hapens next.

On a side note (partially OT) I just finished reading Cryptonomicon... I like the Solitaire cipher

[grilox]

That is a great chapter. Well done!

[tsondie21]

i dont get the 26 letters thing, did i miss something? or is it just a mystery?

[Axys Denyed]

[Saevitia]

Yes, Axys, that's exactly it.

[KeeperofBees]

*Hint Hint* It sure would be awesome to get a cameo in there! *Hint Hint*

I really enjoy the story. It's very interesting. Unless your quality somehow slips, I'll be reading it untill the end.

[MrDoug]

Wow thank you!

[PokeKiller]

Re: Wow thank you!

[Saevitia]

Poke, I stole your idea???? When was this?

As for the novel being more geared to established ARG players. the answer is yes, it is. It probaly never going to be published, it is a vanity piece meant to amuse myself and you guys. Hence the cameos. Its based off a short story I originally had an idea for, in which, in a future where ARGs HAVE been outlawed, two players go to an ingame event to resucue a charcter only to find that they have saved a pair of REAL PMs who were REALLY imprisoned, and fought REAL police, etcetera.

And thanks everybody, for the praise and constructive critism.

I've had a few comments about the IRC log, and probably won't end up suing it again unless absoluetly necessary.

[Tiny]

Ok, more specifics this time on the review, like you asked. Just going to list out the few things that I noticed when I read through the second chapter and then scanned it again.
Now, just to say, I'm not an english teacher or anything, but I've read a whole crapload of books in my time, so while I don't have a degree, I'm not just throwing out random opinions at you.

"this chick was built like Laura Croft was taste"
I can't think for my life what your trying to say here but I'm thinking it should be more then one sentence

Oh and the girl totally needs a deeper description than that, I totally love what you have there, but it needs more, give the character more depth. No seriously, like Os. You said this in Ch 1 "He sat, drumming his long, black laquered nails on the hard" The details of his nails, while not all that important in the long run, give the character more of a believability (sp?) and a depth to the readers, it wasn one of the things that instantly hooked me, and should definetly be kept up on, just fleshing out every character.

I like the hinting at of the ARGs being banned in US, right at the beginning, but I didn't catch that subtle hint until after I read your last post, maybe it needs to be deeper?
Damien is also totally flirting with the girl there, I don't know exactly how to say it, but it also feels like it needs to be a bit deeper, more intimate, to make the characters more round.

The Irc chat room does fit quite well, if the book was actually in print, as long as it had one of those computer screen looking fonts, people would get it, no problem. The one problem I see about is the fact that the logs are spread out over different hits, I know you'd have to do it like that in an IRC chat, but maybe it should be more grouped, just for the laymen, because I wasn't even sure what was going on at first.

I totally laughed out loud at the Weephun joke even though I saw it coming

Here's some of the typos I noticed, mostly in order of the story...

1."His mind had barely had time to register it as the vibration oh his cellphone" Typo, supposed to be "of" right?
2."To winced, and removed his hand from his pocket. "Er, no ma'am."" Notha typo, supposed to be "Tom winced" right?
3."Osiris sighed. His damned little sister, Steph, was always bugging him. He turned over onto his stomach and grumped. "Tell her I'm not hungry.""
That should be like, "Tell mom I'm not hungry" Cause "here" doesn't refer to anyone mentioned
4."What is this some kinda weirdo revenge is this?" Said by the little sister, sounds like you meshed together two sentences meaning the same thing, there's an actual name for it, by I can't remember for the life of me.
5. "Tell mom I'll eat later, okay? Please?" Last one, Mom should be capitalized.
I totally love the second chapter, the way the inspiration for the puzzle solved fell into place is exactly the way it happens sometimes, it was just perfect.
I like the way you jump from character to character, giving us just a bit of the whole picture and spelling out the different story lines as the time goes by.
I'm totally looking forward to the rest of it, especially if you ever get it published.
Tj-

[Saevitia]

Thanks Tiny! I really apprecaite the point outs. They'll definitely be fixed by the time I post chapter 3.

Oh, and on a slightly different note, TINARG has a new layout that I'm really proud of. Go see it!