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[urthstripe]

UFF Week 3

[joebrent]

Yeah, you'll take another one, urth, because Old Man Donovan will throw a bunch of touches towards my boy TO, who will then perform a pasties-and-g-string striptease on the Liberty Bell.

But never you mind that. TO's performance on and off the field will send Lou Man Group to a shameful, humiliating defeat at the hands of my Jesus Quintanas from which he will not recover. He will then attempt to drown his sorrow by drinking his way out of a large vat of Kwak, much like Bob McKenzie in Strange Brew.

And in yet another smooth transition, we now move on to another inebriate Canadian who enjoys watching male striptease performance, jamesi. Or at least, he likes it when I do it. His Mooseskin Footballs will prevail over the Air Vents, but only because, unlike the Vents, he had the good sense to not draft the tufted, jackadandy poppenjay who calls himself the Minnesota quarterback. To borrow a Simmonsian parlance, it must be difficult to play quarterback with an enormous salad fork sticking out of his back, but bless Culpepper's little heart (the only little part about him -- ask jamesi), he gives it the old UCF try.

In the matter of Peoples v. The State of I'll Make It Rain, however, I must dissent from Justice urthstripe's learned opinion, for the following reasons:

1. I expect Julius Jones, the most excellently named gentleman in professional sports, to have a breakout game against the hapless 49ers this week, a performance which will be portrayed by Ving Rhames in the movie.

2. Edge James's stats will suffer this week, because I have it on good authority that this past Tuesday, Peyton Flanders was relaxing in his Viennese torture dungeon when one of his fork-tongued concubines came by to collect his Shirley Temple (which he spikes with the blood of Girl Scouts and garnishes with festering pudendae from the Whores of Gomorrah). Under the glass had been a newspaper, and there on that newspaper, encircled in caustic effluvium in the outline of his Shirley Temple glass, was something Flanders had not seen since the days of the demonic overthrow of Slaargh, Pasha to the Kingdom of Rehoboeth: criticism. Flanders's great and terrible ego will manifest itself in a hail of touchdowns rained upon the hapless Browns of Cleveland, after which he will dine upon the testes of the righteous.

And yet, all of his Satanic Fury will mean naught for the owner of his fantasy team, the newly-married Angry Telemarketers, AKA Joe's Friend, AKA Dave Gilliland. Here's a picture of Dave and his freshly minted bride Beth giving me purple nerples. Having thus angered the gods of both football and nerples, he will fall to Banshee's Broncos, despite the presence of Jake Plummer, who, like a stopped watch, has a decent game once per season. That would be this week, over the overconfident KC defense.

And finally, as urth divined, Ferret Army will leave Cort naked and whimpering like a virgin skullf***** for the very first time (this is a reference to Cort's rather unfortunate preference for skullf*** imagery in his trash talk). Cort has committed the cardinal sin of loading up on players from one team; in this case, the Steelers, who will be engaged in a naked, whimpering, thumbsucking, spooning session with the aforementioned Cort. What, I ask, what will be Cort's strategery for Pittsburgh's bye week? By my calculations, that would be next week, against the I'll Make It Rhames, er, Rains! The gods will punish him severely for his swaggering, flatulent superciliousness, and force-feed him Primanti Brothers roast beef sandwiches until his arteries explode within his body in a gory, entrail-ridden heap, soon to be the hit segment of Faces of Death CLXIIV.

Also, Bucs (+3.5) over Green Bay, and they won't need the points, either.

edit: My friend Jonny of Ruthless Reviews has picked KC over the Broncos, adding, "Chiefs crush the Donkos, cover the spread, laugh at The Snake laying spread-eagle in pain, rape the women of Denver, elect Tony Gonzalez mayor, rename the town Hell, and paint it red." He's utterly mad, but more often than not right in his football picks. I'm suddenly feeling a lot less secure in my Banshee>Telemarketers pick.

[urthstripe]

So, I got the Steelers pick wrong. Man, did that game kill me. But still, the importance of time in Football is revealed.

The game, however, is over, and nothing can be changed. But still... stupid refs.