unforum

[MageSteff]

Showing Respect at the Cemeteries

[Shad0]

Re: Showing Respect at the Cemeteries

[MageSteff]

Re: Showing Respect at the Cemeteries

[CoffeeJedi]

Re: Showing Respect at the Cemeteries

[Silverkun]

Personally, I think MageSteff's nailed it.

If I might add to the thread:

I know who caught the reporter's eye. Or, at least, had been alerted to the press by an irate mourner.

I think what really horked the mourner off was that the person that served the offense was jumping from grave to grave to bypass the footpath traffic. The sight of people sitting cross-legged on a person's grave with a pack of cards in her hand may have just added fuel to the fire.

However, the source of ignition was that the person in question stage whispered the words "But THEY'RE DEAD!" within earshot of the reporter and the mourner.

Not such a hot move.

An apology on behalf of myself and some of the other players seemed to have smoothed otherwise ruffled feathers, but the damage was done and we were all just doing damage control after that.

By my view, the mourners didn't see people trying to progress a story. They saw some rather irreverantly garbed people behaving in a disrespectful, unapologetic manner.

My two cents? If you offend someone, apologize. Simple as that. They paid for the plots, not we ARGers. If they ask you to move, do so. The graveyards are vast and sprawling; you can find your pocket cards elsewhere. If they threaten some sort of action, physical or legal, you gain nothing by taking affront and risk harm to yourself and other players by going toe-to-toe.

It's questionable as to if we belong there. Personally, were I buried in that cemetery, I'd have taken no offense to anything that occurred, up to and including the hopping, assuming proper ammends were made. People cleaned graves and left flowers and prayers. Some of us sang hymns. There was a conscious, concerted effort to leave the site better than how we found it. However, not everyone will be satisfied with that.

In the interest of harmony, and to keep Jane from being sued by a litigation-happy mourner, allow me to personally suggest applying some tact and common sense.

</soapbox>

[imbri]

I realize that this may be controversial. Heck, until this game started, I had no idea just how different my views of cemeteries and death were. You see, I grew up behind a funeral home and spent my childhood playing in their yard. Right up the road was a cemetery which we also played in (cemeteries are, clearly, the best place to play bike tag... though be careful of hidden beehives when hiding between pine trees). My father died when I was an infant and so I not only grew up visiting cemeteries, but I also learned to drive in the very cemetery he's buried. My town also has an, apparently, strange relationship with cemeteries and funeral homes. Memorial day is our biggest holiday and the funeral home behind my house hosts a HUGE party on Sunday (complete with many kegs of beer and live bands) and a good portion of the town follows a parade up to the aforementioned cemetery where there is a massive celebration of the lives tragically cut short by the horror of war. It's complete with gun salutes, highschool bands playing and choirs singing, and the winners of the 6th grade oratory test reciting various important documents to American history. Afterward, many stay behind in the cemetery and the kids run around and the adults visit with friends and family, both dead and alive, often with the bloody marys that remain in their hands from the parade parties. So, clearly, my relationship with death, funeral homes, and cemeteries are far more relaxed than most. But the one thing that I believe is that death is nothing more than a part of life.

And, I think because of that view, I've never looked at cemeteries as places of death. Rather, they're places to celebrate life. Not only the lives of those that have passed before us, but also about how fortunate we are to still be living. Life carries with it many emotions and shouldn't cemeteries echo with the sounds of all those emotions. Is it not just as respectful to those that have gone before to celebrate life as it is to mourn death.

Clearly, we've always prided our ARG community as being one of the best communities online. We have a culture of respect and I cannot imagine that we don't carry out that same respect in our daily lives. So, I suggest that, when we're at live events, we be ourselves and act as we always do, showing the same respect to people that we always show. Yes, we should be mindful of those that are grieving and be careful with the way we run around (especially around mourners) but we should also be mindful of celebrating the lives of those that have gone before us as well as life in general. So go out and have fun. Afterall, isn't that one of the best parts of life?

[JTony]

I have to agree with Imbri entirely on this one. I wore black, but I wear black all the time lately, but I think everyone was dressed appropriately for the day's events at SF.

The key to this, though, is respect for the others who are present. If someone's got a problem, talk to them kindly about it, apologize for any offense (as none was intended) and explain yourself and how your actions were respectful of the dead in your own way if it is appropriate.

My group was one of the groups playing poker atop one of the above ground crypts (we weren't the only ones, from what I can see in the various pictures on flickr, though). We took turns dealing, and the dealer sat on the crypt to deal while everyone else gathered round. I thought about this while dealing myself and seeing some mourners arriving. My feeling was that, by dealing on top of thhe crypt, we were including the dead in the deal (the point of a cemetery being to think of and not forget the dead, as Lucky reminds us constantly).

The mourners did not complain to us, or I would have appologized imediately and explained what we were doing. Just after seeing that particular group of mourners arrive, we were all pulled into the "real" game of going from grave to grave per Lucky's instructions, so I didn't think about it again until reading the Chronicle report. Had I heard that the mourners were complaining (particularly about sitting on the crypt) I would have gone to them to apologize and explain.

The key here is a) be yourselves, play the game and have fun, and b) be respectful to the others who are also using the cemetery, and do your best to outwardly show them kindness. I guarantee that if kindness is outwardly shown, all offenses will be forgiven. A few kind words of understanding can go a long long way to spread that understanding around.

Just my 2 cents.

[MageSteff]

[JTony]

Well, clearly, I understood that from the outside looking in it'd look different. That's my whole point, and that we should be kind to those who observe something different than was intended. Had I talked with the mourners, I'm sure that, at least in the part about sitting on the crypt, I could have smoothed it over. Unfortunately I got caught up in the excitement over Lucky's Box and didn't see them again.

As for the whole running between graves thing, in this particular cemetery it was very hard not to step on graves as in many places they were packed together very closely. Again, I'm sure if we could have had a more formal chat with those offended, it could have been smoothed over quite easily.

I gues what I'm saying is that when I saw my particular set of mourners arrive, I should have gone to them to explain our presence, put out the hand of kindness, and it would have been much better.

But I'm also saying that our brand of showing respect for the dead is no less valid than theirs, and we shouldn't stop doing what we are doing because we *might* offend someone. We just need to take care to address the issue with kindness should we offend someone.

[Phaedra]

[JTony]

[insectofloyalty]

would my black sweatpants and tuxedo t-shirt be cool?

[imbri]

[MageSteff]

[imbri]

Steff, we're saying the same things, really.

It comes down to respect. I get that. You get that. I wasn't arguing with you. I'm not arguing with you now. We're talking about the same thing in two different ways, that's it.

I *know* that what you were saying wasn't about the small favors. I was mentioning that some people (people here, participating in LCP) seem to be expressing a bit of anxiety and I was trying to help bridge that. To help relax that a bit.

gah. I'm tired and frustrated and really not meaning to argue with you and am sorry that you seem to be taking it that way.