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 Forum index » Archive » Archive: Cloverfield (1-18-08) » Cloverfield: General / Updates
[SPEC] A possible review on AICN...
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StayPuftMarshmallowMan
Decorated

Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 199

 		That was hilarious
It's like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin's vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it's hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 11:34 pm
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Some Thing
Unfettered


Joined: 14 Dec 2007
Posts: 427
Location: Colorado

 		Sounds like on of the usual AICN bullshit gags.
I doubt this person saw the movie...he's just goofing on all the fanboys.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:29 am
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LaNcEleCtriKuTion
Decorated


Joined: 16 Dec 2007
Posts: 220
Location: NYC, Queens

 		I put it here so ppl wouldn't have to click the link- Ainitcool is blocked by parental control, for some reason. The funniest review ever written:
Quote:
I got to see Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit two weeks ago. We've been on double shifts at Wetzel's Pretzels because we're selling these goddamn frosting and cinnamon pretzels that are supposed to look like a snowman waving at you and guess what all our retarded customers like biting the heads off of?
Also, the "snowmen" don't look like snowmen – they look like fat babies that can stand up and wave, and that someone has spooged on (the frosting).
But Cloverfield Monster Goes Apeshit was the perfect movie for me to get to see, because now every time one of our swamp-ass customers comes in and wants a Sal-Tee the Snowman I can imagine the Cloverfield monster biting their goddamn heads off. And yes, in the movie, the Cloverfield monster bites off some fucking heads. Only you get to see it from a way you don't normally get to see heads getting bitten off, so basically the movie – which I'm just going to call Cloverfield for the rest of this review because typing out that long-ass title is pee-hole – basically makes other head-biting-off-movies look like Georgia Rule with a peppermint cock in its ass.
The movie starts off really shitty though, with all this stuff about a young couple that's in love, and she's hot and he's hot and I'm all like, "Who's filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?"
But then it's like the movie heard you calling it a pussy so it puts on its dick-stomping boots and then surprises your dick with a punch from a fist wearing a cock-punch glove.
Things just don't get scary – they get FUCKED UP. And I mean fucked up like the whole movie's shot through a hand-held video camera, so you feel like this is happening to you (apparently, the video camera was recovered by the government, so at the beginning of the movie, when you're told this, you think, "Man, something bad must've happened to whoever filmed this", and you imagine a lot of shit, but then when you get to what ACTUALLY HAPPENS you're like, "Fuck you, imagination, this was ten times worse than I thought" and then to get back at you your imagination makes you think about 2 Girls 1 Cup if Rhea Perlman and Edith Bunker were the girls)
So here's the story: a monster attacks News York City.
But that's not the fucked-up part.
The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It's like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin's vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it's hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.
Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that's getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin' 'Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bath and a Whole Bunch of Cock-fucks Running Their Mouths.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it's gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn't stay away for long, if you know what I mean.
And then – and THEN – and I mean, at this point, the movie's like a speed freak yelling at you, as if the giant monster and the things crawling away weren't bad enough, there's a third, even more messed-up thing the monster can do to a person, which I won't spoil 'cuz it made me kind of sick and the people on this website are the kind of assholes who'd come in to the W.P. at two minutes before I have to clean the cinnamon nets and order ten Sal-Tees so fuck everyone, so maybe you'll see it and get sick and not want a Sal-Tee and I can go the fuck home.
Also, I don't know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out.
So, here's my final thoughts:
The good: Monster fucking everything sideways, creepy-crawly things fucking everything that's still not fucked, indie movie characters getting eaten and mutilated before they can talk about coffee or e-mails or their feelings.
The bad: Smarty-pants story-telling shit where the video you're watching has un-recorded bits where you see the hero's relationship a few weeks back, before the monster shows up. Except then there's this final shot (from the flashback section) that's actually kind of awesome 'cuz it's this very sweet, sunshine-y shot of something, except at that point you're thinking some really bad thoughts about what the shot represents.
The shitty: I had a long dream about the male star of the movie two nights after I saw this, where we both had shirts off and he was helping me do sit-ups. So fuck this movie for that part.


PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:43 am
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StayPuftMarshmallowMan
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Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 199

 		"This movie is like a pussy that eats you out."

I dont even want to imagine what that looks like. Great review very plausible.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:45 am
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airteff
Decorated


Joined: 30 Nov 2007
Posts: 156

 		Geez that thing was just a pain to read, it lacks any well any real analysis of the movie. I mean I can write I review like that " so this monster comes and just starts messing up sh*t. It runs into some building is badass and scary and OMG"

I seriously doubt this guy saw the movie.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:53 am
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J0shuaKane
Veteran


Joined: 23 Nov 2007
Posts: 113

 		im pretty sure he has seen it. ever read his other reviews, like for 300, hes fucking hilarious. he's not joe schmoe from some random website.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 4:49 am
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airteff
Decorated


Joined: 30 Nov 2007
Posts: 156
J0shuaKane wrote:
im pretty sure he has seen it. ever read his other reviews, like for 300, hes fucking hilarious. he's not joe schmoe from some random website.

Obviously not...

The only line I laughed at was the Kathy Griffin line cuz everybody hates her.

I mean to me thats not even a review or a plot synopsis, I don't actually know what that is.

I can't honestly see how JJ (or anyone) would look at that guy and say he is the guy I want to see my movie first. It was either Matt Reeves or JJ who said they've had only three screenings(somebody link me I'm not sure where it I think it may be an MTV interview) so to me that is highly unlikely he has seen it

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:23 am
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Nerva
Greenhorn


Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 8
Location: Wisconsin

 		that was one of the best reviews i have read in a while...i really hate boring reviews these days. but yeah people are right. AICN has been really reliable about films and their reviews. especially this guy. just look him up on AICN.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 6:29 am
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Slusho Addict
Entrenched


Joined: 24 Nov 2007
Posts: 920

 		If anyone remembers the Brainbug from Starship Troopers, they've seen that Tippet studio has already visualised a giant pussy that eats YOU out Shocked

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjS-xlCcoF0[/youtube]

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:37 am
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MulletMan
Veteran

Joined: 17 Dec 2007
Posts: 118

 		Haha, I like how all the people at AICN seem to think that fanart of the whale monster is real.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:06 pm
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