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[Lurking]

[ABANDONED BLOG] Here You Go, Dr.

[Guestguy2187]

Well, at least this guest is honest about it.

[equal_opposite]

You're ability to write with the character's perspective is impressive. One suggestion I have is to remember to keep your language simple. "Selecting my key from the ring" is an immediate knock to my immersion, it's too unnecessarily eloquent. "Pick out my housekey," "Get my housekey from the ring," something like that would be better. Still, there are moments when you do have a very simplified "I'm not telling a story I've planned out, I'm just jotting down junk that's happened as its happened" feel to your posts, which are nice.
It's nothing special, really, to be able to write from a character's perspective, but it's still difficult and absolutely crucial to a working first-person story. So, I thought you'd like to know that you handle it very well.

[equal_opposite]

Some more constructive criticism, from Blackout 2:


"I had woken up, showered, brushed my teeth, done all that stuff but had not gotten dressed beyond my undershirt. I walked over to my closet and opened it up to pick out some clothes for today."

This will work as a good example for how you should further simplify your narration. This would work much better.

"I woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, did all that stuff, then I walked over to my closet to get dressed for today."
Simple, clean, more potent tense. Something to keep in mind, unneeded eloquence or fluffy phrasing is always a killer to immersion. The crappy dialogue found in most blockbuster movies can support that claim.

[equal_opposite]

For something positive:

"Worst. Christmas. Ever.
So, first of all, Merry Christmas Dr. Keep.

Second, see title."

That last bit is an impressive showing of candidness. I'm a creative writing major, and I highly doubt that I could be so in character, if I were writing a fictional blog. That's a very personal touch, great job.
It's the little things that really breathe life into narratives like this.

[equal_opposite]

As a final note, I'm extremely intrigued by this story. What I love most about it is how plausible the character's reason for opening the blog is. It's not just "hey so i made a blawg for teh lullz", you have a strong back story for it that really holds up and supports the direction you're going. I'm bookmarking this so that I can make sure to follow it. Keep it up!

[DandA]

Agreeing with equal_opposite about the awkward wording in some of the posts. Although I'm not hugely picky about writing it does make it a little bit hard to read. But overall it looks pretty good (I'm only a few posts in).

[Gale]

[Daniel Kay]

[DandA]

[equal_opposite]

Just to keep this fresh and give the author something to look at, I'm checking your blog daily and enjoying it.

I do suggest that you follow up on Blackout 4 at some point, the family knife incident. That was too extreme to leave it mysterious. Your character would be terrified and want to know if he hurt his family.
That's an incredibly minor point, though. Keep up the good work!

[Lurking]

I have actually been reading this thread and your replies, but I'm not posting here that much because I don't want to accidentally give something away.

That being said, thanks for the suggestions. I'll work on making it more conversational and I do have some plans for following up the events. They won't just remain loose ends or plot carriers.

[Gale]

[equal_opposite]

Keep up the good work.