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 Forum index » Meta » Various & Sundry
Complaint letter: Brittish
Moderators: Giskard, imbri, ndemeter
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MageSteff
Pretty talky there aintcha, Talky?


Joined: 06 Jun 2003
Posts: 2716
Location: State of Denial

 		Complaint letter: Brittish
| Customer Complaint
|
| What follows is a superb example of British humour in
| A LETTER THAT WAS
| TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT. The piece suggests two things:
|
| 1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who
| get poor service from
| their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a
| cable operator in
| Britain).
|
| 2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters
| of complaint.
|
|
|
|
| Dear Cretins:
|
| I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
| I signed up for your
| four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone,
| and alarm
| monitoring.
| During this three-month period I have encountered
| inadequacy of service
| which I had not previously considered possible, as
| well as ignorance and
| stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me
| to provide specific
| details, so that you can either pursue your
| professional prerogative and
| seek to rectify these difficulties --or more likely (I
| suspect) so that you
| can have some entertaining reading material as you
| while away the working
| day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog
| in your office.
|
| My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
| resulting in my
| spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
| waiting for your
| technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent
| a further 57 minutes
| listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
| more annoying
| Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
| helpful website. HOW?
|
| I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
| for a few minutes an
| activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
| highly adept. The
| rescheduled installation then took place some two
| weeks later, although the
| technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools
| -- such as a
| drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
|
| Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
| After 15 telephone
| calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks
| after I had requested
| it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
| internet server's downtime
| is
| roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
| midnight, Monday through
| Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
| for my telephone
| connection.
|
| I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help
| line, and have been
| unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
| individuals who are,
| it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have
| been informed that a
| telephone line is available (and someone will call me
| back); that I will be
| transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
| telephone line is
| available (and then been cut off); that I will be
| transferred to someone
| (and then been redirected to an answering machine
| informing me that your
| office is closed); that I will be transferred to
| someone and then been
| redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And
| several other
| variations on this theme.
|
| Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as
| you have at least a
| thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and
| also another one of
| those crucially important testicle moments to attend
| to.
|
|
| Frankly I don't care.
|
| It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
| frustrations in
| print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
| Forgive me,
| therefore, if I continue.
|
| I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had
| attained the holy
| piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no
| one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less
| helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
| their customers.
|
| That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
| anyone else is there?
|
| How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
| considerable
| dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
| shower of bastards you
| truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
| rectum competents of
| the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
| shine like brilliant
| beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
| seemingly limitless
| inadequacy.
|
| Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
| and foolhardy quest to
| receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
| you cease any
| potential future attempts to extort payment from me
| for the services which you have so pointedly and
| catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
| will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief
| and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
| perhaps bemused rage.
|
| I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care
| from my cat's litter
| tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete
| contempt for both you and
| your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they
| have not become
| desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly
| moist at the time of
| posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
| if you did not
| experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
| Consider them the
| very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
| worthless employees.
|
| Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable
| short lives, you
| irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful
| bunch of twits.
|
|
_________________
Magesteff
A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2003 9:48 pm
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PaleFigure
Decorated


Joined: 12 Nov 2002
Posts: 168
Location: Wollongong, NSW Australia

 		I instantly love this man, and wish to worship him as my new God.
_________________
"My god, I think you have a point!"
"Really? Does it show?"
"Yeah, pull your hat down a little."

PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2003 11:09 pm
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AnthraX101
Entrenched

Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 797

 		Classic! Laughing

AnthraX101

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2003 1:43 am
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Primal
Boot


Joined: 21 Oct 2003
Posts: 61
Location: Cubeville

 		Holy crap! I get angry with my cable internet provider but it's nothing compared to this guy! I love Cox Communications now!
_________________
Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning...

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:41 pm
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