unforum

[sublimelabs]

[Short Story] And There He Stood

[DJ Rozwell]

(First off, you're probably thinking of The Terrible Secret of Animal Crossing)

Pretty well-written! I don't have much criticism to offer because I'm not much of a literature critic, but I found it quite good. The tone was more somber than horrific, I found, though that was probably intentional. Overall, good stuff.

[JustJim]

Definitely a good start here, man. I've dabbled a bit in Slender Man short stories before, but haven't ever completed one. I'm a creative writing major, though, so hopefully I can give you some usable feedback.

Your first paragraph is really great. It does a tremendous job establishing atmosphere, and the repetition of the title line is effective. But both in this paragraph and throughout the story you use too many qualifiers, and it detracts from the details themselves. His suit was in "seemingly" spotless condition, for example. If a suit doesn't have spots or marks on it, it is spotless. Simpler sentences can often be a lot more effective and convey a greater meaning, that's why Hemingway was so good, he knew not let words get in the way of what he was saying. "The black suit he wore was spotless." or "His black suit was spotless." See how those seem more powerful? It's a little thing, I know, but little things can make a big difference.

While it is generally important to transition into flashbacks, the way you do it in the second paragraph is again somewhat intrusive. It's you, as the author, essentially stepping in and saying "This is a flashback!" You need to lead into it more from the character's point of view. In this instance, maybe just start right off with the image of his son's body. It's important to show and not tell, especially when you're trying to convey a powerful image. Details are king, anything that the reader can't picture, such as abstractions, take them out of the moment and your story goes back to being words on a page. It's something to keep an eye on throughout the story.

The idea of The Slender Man basically giving the character a tape to watch really seems too human for him to do. Maybe the character is already watching TV and it just appears. Or the TV turns itself on and that message plays. Or, it just plays right in the characters head from Slender Man directly. Either way, there's a lot of ways to do what you're trying to do without compromising what Slender Man, at his core, is.

Just some quick comments. When I have a bit more time I could go through it with more detail.

Great draft, though, man!

[sublimelabs]

Thanks for your comments JustJim, I see what you mean. And boy do I love Ernest Hemingway.

Was thinking about rewriting this sometime, but I'm currently writing a short story featuring a murder mystery in 1946, along with a sci-fi short story for a class.

Again, thanks for the critique and I'll certainly take them into consideration.