Return to Unfiction unforum
 a.r.g.b.b 
FAQ FAQ   Search Search 
 
Welcome!
New users, PLEASE read these forum guidelines. New posters, SEARCH before posting and read these rules before posting your killer new campaign. New players may also wish to peruse the ARG Player Tutorial.

All users must abide by the Terms of Service.
Website Restoration Project
This archiving project is a collaboration between Unfiction and Sean Stacey (SpaceBass), Brian Enigma (BrianEnigma), and Laura E. Hall (lehall) with
the Center for Immersive Arts.
Announcements
This is a static snapshot of the
Unfiction forums, as of
July 23, 2017.
This site is intended as an archive to chronicle the history of Alternate Reality Games.
  

The time now is Fri Nov 15, 2024 9:11 am
All times are UTC - 4 (DST in action)		 View posts in this forum since last visit
View unanswered posts in this forum
Calendar
 Forum index » Chaotic Fiction » Slender Man Mythos
[TRAILHEAD] Feeling Winter Coldness
Moderators: ChildOfAtom, Cougar Draven, DavFlamerock, Dixie_Wolf, ndemeter
View previous topicView next topic
Page 1 of 2 [17 Posts]   Goto page: 1, 2 Next
Author Message
DHawk314
Entrenched


Joined: 17 May 2011
Posts: 1087

 		[TRAILHEAD] Feeling Winter Coldness
http://feelingwintercoldness.wordpress.com

Basically, someone sent me the link to this and I think it looks like it has a lot of potential.
_________________
I was just lurking around the forums and i have no idea who MH is

I'm in here sometimes: http://tinychat.com/thehoodyhub

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 5:24 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
tloyc2012
Veteran

Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 117

 		The very first post I read instantly made me go "Oh, fuck me, somebody turned their bad fanfic into a blog."

For those who don't want to read it: It has Jeff the Killer in it. While that, itself, is not an instant "terrible story" warning (for instance, there's the idea he could be a proxy) there's also the fact he's not trying to kill anyone. For that matter, it has Jane the Killer in it, making me very, very sure this is nothing but a parody at best.

Yeah, no, I haven't seen Slender Man in it at all, either, though there's traces and references. Very unsubtle ones, such as the fact about 99% of the characters that would be, in any other story, antagonists show up in a place called the Woods. The Woods. Capital W and everything.

Yeah, no, this has no business being on this forum, it's not an alternate reality game, it's not a Slender Man story, this is definitely not a Fear Mythos story, this is nothing that has anything to do with anything on this board. Sorry, but... seriously, are we posting everything that looks like it might have Slender Man in it on here, now? Even if it's not actually a Slender Man Mythos story, or at least not a serious one?

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:29 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
DHawk314
Entrenched


Joined: 17 May 2011
Posts: 1087

 		That's Jeff the Killer? I thought it was just a guy named Jeff. I'm no creepypasta expert though. I'm tempted to think you're bullshitting though because you said Slender Man's not in it and he like, clearly is.
_________________
I was just lurking around the forums and i have no idea who MH is

I'm in here sometimes: http://tinychat.com/thehoodyhub

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:38 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
DHawk314
Entrenched


Joined: 17 May 2011
Posts: 1087

 		I mean I don't mean to reach here, but I think MAYBE the tall man without a face could be Slender Man. Just a possibility.
_________________
I was just lurking around the forums and i have no idea who MH is

I'm in here sometimes: http://tinychat.com/thehoodyhub

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:44 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
tloyc2012
Veteran

Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 117
DHawk314 wrote:
I mean I don't mean to reach here, but I think MAYBE the tall man without a face could be Slender Man. Just a possibility.


Oh, okay. Missed that line.

Whatever the case, yeah, Jeff the Killer. In this, his name is Jeff, he has rings around his eyes and he has a friend named Jane. Sound familiar?

Whatever the case, yeah, this might be a Slender Man story, but it dives straight into it way, way too quick and introduces way, way too many things I'm familiar with for me to call it anything other then a fanfic disguised as a blog. It might not be, but whatever the case, I don't like it.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:48 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
DHawk314
Entrenched


Joined: 17 May 2011
Posts: 1087

 		I don't remember it mentioning the eye rings? Might have missed it. It could be some vague reference that's non-plot important. I have no idea though, I've never even heard of Jane the Killer because I don't read creepypasta, so I'll just have to keep reading it. I'll get back to you on it.
_________________
I was just lurking around the forums and i have no idea who MH is

I'm in here sometimes: http://tinychat.com/thehoodyhub

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:59 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
tloyc2012
Veteran

Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 117
DHawk314 wrote:
I don't remember it mentioning the eye rings? Might have missed it. It could be some vague reference that's non-plot important. I have no idea though, I've never even heard of Jane the Killer because I don't read creepypasta, so I'll just have to keep reading it. I'll get back to you on it.


It's referred to as his eyes being 'laced' or something like that. I don't know, but the two names together, coupled with the creepy grin Jeff is described as having, really, really make me think that the viewers are supposed to think it's Jeff the Killer and his shitty Mary Sue-ish nemesis Jane.

The effect is ruined by the author getting most of Jeff's features wrong (brown hair?) and the ridiculous idea that someone would just up and start calling something 'The Woods' with a capital W, as if it's literally the last forest left, no matter how strange the things inside may be.

Whatever, I'm just a bit of a cynic when it comes to anything that has Jeff the Killer in it; his original story is widely accepted to be one of the worst creepypastas ever written (you cannot punch someone so hard their heart stops, for instance, or survive longer then about a week with your eyelids burned open and having your mouth carved into a grin without medical aid) and most of the fan sequels and spinoffs are about as bad, not by any fault of their own (usually) but rather because the whole thing (other then the Worm Jeff saga, but no one gives a damn about the Worm Jeff saga) relies on the idea that Jeff the Killer can survive being burned alive, carving up his face and burning himself again, with no medicine or anything to prevent infection, in addition to living on the streets and being a bloody serial killer, for years. Ah... no.

Whatever the case, this might be better then usual. I'm going to follow it for a couple days and if it doesn't improve by then, I'll go ahead and pay attention to ones that have potential to me and ones that I like already.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 11:55 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
lonsumtravlr
Entrenched

Joined: 23 Mar 2014
Posts: 1009
Location: The Great Continent of New England

 		I dunno that that's Jeff The Killer. I certainly didn't make that connection--I'd thought the "circles" or whatever the fuck it is beneath his eyes were like the dark rings around the eyes of Jay and Tim and Alex and Jessica in Marble Hornets after their repeated exposure to The Operator. If that's meant to be Jeff The Killer, then that's gotta be the weakest introduction of him since the original creepypasta (which was weak enough already).

I though this was OK, if sort of repetitive of other Slendy stories, till
Spoiler (Rollover to View):
the knife was found under the bed
. That itself was all right, but
Spoiler (Rollover to View):
the way Jeff and Jill responded to the protagonist concealing it
seemed like a grasp for something "spooky" to create atmosphere. I didn't understand why it was done that way. It's still early, so I'll check it out again later.

EDIT: Checked again: Jeff's eyes are "laced with dark circles." Sounds more like bags from lack of sleep or some kind of trance, such as that in that MH video where Jay's zoned out and The Operator walks right by him. I think these two are being set up as "proxies," dude.

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 10:06 pm
Last edited by lonsumtravlr on Sun Sep 28, 2014 10:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
lonsumtravlr
Entrenched

Joined: 23 Mar 2014
Posts: 1009
Location: The Great Continent of New England
tloyc2012 wrote:
Whatever the case, yeah, this might be a Slender Man story, but it dives straight into it way, way too quick and introduces way, way too many things I'm familiar with...


Have to agree with this. There could still be a way for this to be legitimately pulled off. I must admit that I'm not sure what that could be... But it could be done!

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 10:09 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
tloyc2012
Veteran

Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 117
lonsumtravlr wrote:
I dunno that that's Jeff The Killer. I certainly didn't make that connection--I'd thought the "circles" or whatever the fuck it is beneath his eyes were like the dark rings around the eyes of Jay and Tim and Alex and Jessica in Marble Hornets after their repeated exposure to The Operator. If that's meant to be Jeff The Killer, then that's gotta be the weakest introduction of him since the original creepypasta (which was weak enough already).

I though this was OK, if sort of repetitive of other Slendy stories, till
Spoiler (Rollover to View):
the knife was found under the bed
. That itself was all right, but
Spoiler (Rollover to View):
the way Jeff and Jane responded to the protagonist concealing it
seemed like a grasp for something "spooky" to create atmosphere. I didn't understand why it was done that way. It's still early, so I'll check it out again later.

EDIT: Checked again: Jeff's eyes are "laced with dark circles." Sounds more like bags from lack of sleep or some kind of trance, such as that in that MH video where Jay's zoned out and The Operator walks right by him. I think these two are being set up as "proxies," dude.


That last bit is probably the case, all things considered (it's one of the few ways you can make a character as badly written as Jeff the Killer work.)

Also, her name's Jane, not Jill.

That said, if anyone still has any doubts (there are a lot of similarities and hints to this, but whatever) I actually got a message from the creator of the blog a couple days ago that, amongst other things, explained Jeff and Jane are loosely based on their creepypasta counterparts. So... yeah.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:26 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
lonsumtravlr
Entrenched

Joined: 23 Mar 2014
Posts: 1009
Location: The Great Continent of New England

 		Right... I think I was thinking of that wonderful old nursery rhyme collected by Andrew Dice Clay: "Jeff the Killer and Jill went up the hill... each with a buck and a quarter..."

So is this story supposed to be Jeff The Killer and Jane The Killer: The Adolescent Years? Cause maybe I'll stop reading now.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:28 am
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
lonsumtravlr
Entrenched

Joined: 23 Mar 2014
Posts: 1009
Location: The Great Continent of New England

 		And when I think of The Woods, I think of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQUOItNzqI0

and this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YcWlxwh4dg.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 11:31 am
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
Lithp
I Have No Life


Joined: 04 Mar 2012
Posts: 2058
lonsumtravlr wrote:
tloyc2012 wrote:
Whatever the case, yeah, this might be a Slender Man story, but it dives straight into it way, way too quick and introduces way, way too many things I'm familiar with...


Have to agree with this. There could still be a way for this to be legitimately pulled off. I must admit that I'm not sure what that could be... But it could be done!


Yeah, I think this is more of a problem than the "Jeff & Jane" thing. Yes, the Jeff the Killer--series or whatever is terrible, but bad characters can always be reinterpreted. As an aside, I checked into the logistics of the story. Glasgow smiles are indeed deadly if left untreated, which I did not know, but it actually is possible to stop someone's heart with a punch. The caveat, of course, is that "possible" does not mean "some kid can do it on command like he's a fucking Mortal Kombat character." Not having eye lids shouldn't really be life threatening, the greater question is how he could burn away his eyelids without doing significantly more damage to his eyes & face.

However, it's kind of hard to do that in this awkward style that she writes in. I'm going to post a bit of a wordwall here, because I want to put up something that the author can use. So, let's start at the beginning:

Quote:
I created this blog so that I could post about my life, and whats happening. I know, This sounds like a regular, boring blog, but believe me, It's not. Nobody believes me. I feel cold… even though it's barely fall. Were I live, it's hot up until the middle of Winter, but I feel winter coldness… And I don't know why.


For starters, creating a blog about how cold you are sounds pretty boring to me. Second, I admire the attempt to get to the point, but you have to have some build up. We're just leaping straight into weird shit. Exhibit B:

Quote:
You see, I was never afraid of the dark, ever. So at 5:30 AM I decided I go out into the Woods near my house. My mother never approved, but that's okay. Anyway, I put on my jacket, and took a flashlight just in case. Then I headed out the door and near the woods. As I approached the Woods, I felt something dark. Something very sinister, and very unexplainably mysterious. I come here at least once a week and never felt anything, but today it felt something I can't really describe that well.


Okay, firstly, you can surely come up with a better excuse for going to the woods at 5:30 in the morning. Exercise? Bus route? But ignoring that, we've now moved from "Everything is cold" which is at least a tangible sensation to "Everything feels all dark & evil & shit." I suppose we can relate to that, to a degree, but it still feels like an awkward, overly explanatory way to say, "I was scared." I don't really like this Trope where the character just instinctively knows that their feelings are justified beyond normal anxiety, but I could accept it if it came after some concrete explanations for why she was afraid (hearing noises, feeling the cold etc.) instead of being a substitute for that &/or going the other way around. She also pretty much leaps right to the conclusion that Slenderman is a serial killer, despite previously saying that she might have just imagined him.

The other issue I see is the dialogue. It feels too much like I'm reading a novel written by someone who doesn't own a thesaurus:

Quote:
"Hi." she said. "I just came by to make sure you were doing okay. Fainting can defiantly have it's side effects." I nodded.

"Thank you. I'm doing fine. It seems like fainting didn't really have much of an effect on me." I said.

"Right. Would you like to come walking with me?" she asked suddenly and quite strangely. I looked at her. I thought she was only here to check on me.

"Wait, let me tell my mom." I left her standing at the door and I told my mom that I was going out. Then I grabbed my jacket and when back to the door.


First of all, this isn't how people usually relate conversations. It would be more like, "So Jane came by to ask me if I was okay. I told her I was fine & then we took a walk, where X happened/was said." Of course you can also talk about how you felt at the time & whatnot to make it more interesting, but the point is, this novel approach is really weird. Did she transcribe the whole conversation at the scene, or something? And even if you wanted to do this novel style of writing, they always, ALWAYS tell you not to repeat "I said/he asked/etc." over & over again. So to do another rewrite of the dialogue:

Quote:
"Hi." she said. "I just came by to make sure you were doing okay. Fainting can defiantly have it's side effects."

I nodded, adding, "Thank you. I'm doing fine. It seems like fainting didn't really have much of an effect on me." I said.

Suddenly, strangely, she blurted out, "Right. Would you like to come walking with me?" she asked suddenly and quite strangely . I looked at her. I thought she was only here to check on me.

"Wait, let me tell my mom," I eventually answered. I left her standing at the door and I [redundant] told my mom that I was going out. Then I grabbed my jacket and when back to the door.


I would change a lot more than this, such as talking about HOW I looked at Jane (or what I was looking at before, for that matter), what I was thinking, if that could be inferred by my face, etc. but you get the idea, a few changes to the wording makes it a lot less repetitive.

In summary, the main issues I see are:

1. The narrative focuses too much on explaining how things are weird, instead of letting that naturally flow from what she tells us.

2. The dialogue is some awkward halfway point between a formal novel style & an informal conversation.

3. Too much rushing into weird shit, especially when the shit isn't THAT weird, but the protagonist leaps to conclusions for the sake of drama.

But all is not lost & I do not say all of this just to be a dick! She's not so far in that she couldn't change her style & see an improvement. Of course, it's also entirely possible this won't help much if she doesn't have much of a plan. She's certainly capable of generating intrigue, I took a look into this topic just because I wanted to see where something called "Feeling Winter Coldness" could go in connection with Slenderman. One thing I would strongly recommend is finding an editor &/or a cowriter to bounce ideas off of, to help her figure out what she finds so scary about Slenderman stories that she can use. Of course, it has to be the right person, someone who can offer legitimately helpful input, but won't basically seize creative control from her. Which might be tricky for someone who's probably fairly young & trying this type of story for the first time. She may have no choice but to learn from her mistakes.

PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:25 am
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
Hunter_Omega
Unfettered


Joined: 24 Jul 2014
Posts: 305
Location: Iowa, USA

 		First of all, I'd like to say a few things about this blog.

1. I actually really liked the novel-style writing. It was a very different format than the usual, and I think that the Slender Man Mythos fandom, as well as the ARG fandom in general, has been dying due to everyone telling people what "the norm" should be. Also, this might impact the pre-planned story (that is, if it is pre-planned), but this could be an explanation as to why Carissa can remember her entire conversations extremely vividly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthymesia

2. I think I found a vlog that might possibly be connected to this blog: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiVaRXs1-xiSsrLQKVRVnhA I haven't watched it all the way through yet, but it seems interesting.

Overall, I really think this blog could have a lot of potential if you guys would just give it a chance for once instead of critiquing every little thing that branches out from what you consider normal to what an ARG should be.

Yes, the blog does seem to center around some alternate Slenderverse version of Jeff, but the creator could have made said alternate version to improve the train wreck of a story Jeff the Killer was, and give her own original spin on it to canonize a familiar face into the Slenderverse. I support this decision completely, and will be following this blog to see where the story arc might go.

Also, to whoever said this could be a pubescent version of Jeff, sorry, but no. From my understanding, Jeff was a 13 year old or something in the original story. If anything, this could be a relatively grown up version of Jeff, who didn't go through the shit that went on in the story.

PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:06 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
tloyc2012
Veteran

Joined: 05 Dec 2012
Posts: 117
Hunter_Omega wrote:
First of all, I'd like to say a few things about this blog.

1. I actually really liked the novel-style writing. It was a very different format than the usual, and I think that the Slender Man Mythos fandom, as well as the ARG fandom in general, has been dying due to everyone telling people what "the norm" should be. Also, this might impact the pre-planned story (that is, if it is pre-planned), but this could be an explanation as to why Carissa can remember her entire conversations extremely vividly: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperthymesia

2. I think I found a vlog that might possibly be connected to this blog: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiVaRXs1-xiSsrLQKVRVnhA I haven't watched it all the way through yet, but it seems interesting.

Overall, I really think this blog could have a lot of potential if you guys would just give it a chance for once instead of critiquing every little thing that branches out from what you consider normal to what an ARG should be.

Yes, the blog does seem to center around some alternate Slenderverse version of Jeff, but the creator could have made said alternate version to improve the train wreck of a story Jeff the Killer was, and give her own original spin on it to canonize a familiar face into the Slenderverse. I support this decision completely, and will be following this blog to see where the story arc might go.

Also, to whoever said this could be a pubescent version of Jeff, sorry, but no. From my understanding, Jeff was a 13 year old or something in the original story. If anything, this could be a relatively grown up version of Jeff, who didn't go through the shit that went on in the story.


Well, seeing as the channel you linked has the actual creepypasta character in it (the video Punishment has him in the thumbnail, and he has the usual look most costumes do (Heath Ledger-Joker-style grin and all that) though he still has the brown hair detailed in the blog) it's probably not connected, just a particularly cliche attempt at making him... well, work.

That said, I haven't watched the whole thing, their Slender Man looks... quite good, all things considered, though it's fairly likely that it's a still image. Probably deserves a separate trailhead, all things considered.

PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:54 pm
 View user's profile
 Back to top 
Display posts from previous:   Sort by:   
Page 1 of 2 [17 Posts]   Goto page: 1, 2 Next
View previous topicView next topic
 Forum index » Chaotic Fiction » Slender Man Mythos
Jump to:  


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
You cannot post calendar events in this forum



Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group