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 Forum index » Archive » Archive: The Haunted Apiary (Let Op!) » The Haunted Apiary (Let Op!): Questions/Meta
[META] The ILBies!
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Shad0
I Have No Life


Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Posts: 2180
Location: Southern California, USA

 		[META] The ILBies!
<FADE IN

We see the entrance to an enormous theater. Marble floors, alabaster columns, plush red carpet, whatever the budget can handle. The marble columns appear to have been painted with black and yellow horizontal stripes. The overall effect is rather tacky. A gigantic cloth banner hangs above the massive wooden double-doors, which are currently open. The banner reads: " 1ST ANNUAL LAST ANNUAL THE "I LOVE BEES" AWARDS!!!"

A sleek black limousine pulls up to the curb, as a frowsy blonde interviewer speaks into her handheld microphone.>

INTERVIEWER: We're here tonight at the I Love Bees Awards ceremony. The anticipation in the air is palpable. People have been waiting months for this. It was originally scheduled for early last December, but rumor has it that the producers got into a huge fight with some of the talent, the writers walked off the job, the catering went--

<Insert shot of restless natives shouting and clanging spears.>

INTERVIEWER: ...And I see that the celebrities are already starting to arrive. Let's see who's here, shall we?

<Out of the limousine step Jan and Jersey. Jan is wearing a skin-tight slinky red dress, cut high at the thigh and low at the neckline. Jersey is wearing an ill-fitting tux and an expression that betokens impending heart failure.>

JERSEY: C'mon, Jan. I said I'd behave. You know you can trust me.

JAN: I don't care, Jersey. You won the stupid bet, so I'm wearing the dress. That's all you get.

JERSEY: Just one little snap?

JAN: No.

JERSEY: But my chatter looks so boring!

JAN: No!

INTERVIEWER: Why, if it isn't two of our greatest heroes, Jason Morelli and Janissary James!

JERSEY: Uh, Jason's my dad--

JAN (overlapping): That's Lee. Jan Lee.

JERSEY (overlapping): --I'm Jersey.

INTERVIEWER: So, what's all this about a bet?

JERSEY: Oh, Jan said she could track down an offline chatter in my mom's apartment in under ten minutes. I hid it in my room.

JAN: I made the mistake of assuming that Jersey here lived like a human being, instead of a diseased pack rat with an aversion to disposal units.

INTERVIEWER (chuckling): Ah, to be young and in l--

JAN: Unless you want to find out how your mike tastes, change the subject.

JERSEY: But now she won't let me snap her image, so no one will ever believe me!

JAN: So you were going to parade it around. I knew it! Boys.

<She stalks into the theater.>

JERSEY: Ah, come on, Jan, it's a compliment! Jan!

<He chases after her.>

INTERVIEWER: Well, it looks as if they're about ready to start, so let's head inside! Enjoy the show!

<Another limousine pulls up, disgorging James James and Thin Kinkle, chatting as they walk arm-in-arm. Thin has a British accent.>

THIN: And your death scene? Simply remarkable.

JAMES: Really? I didn't overdo it? I was worried that I was overdoing it a little.

THIN: Not at all, my good man. I used you for my inspiration in week nine.

JAMES: Well, that is very flattering, coming from you...

<We leave them to their mutual admiration society, and head inside the spacious theater. The seats are packed, all the way up to the third balcony. Some of the guests have brought signs: "CREEEEPY!"; "WE LOVE YOU DURGA!"; "WEEPHUN 4 PRES"; "SAVE THE PRINCESS!"; "I'D GO THROUGH A HURRICANE FOR HMRPITA"; "DOWN WITH KINKLE"; "THREADJACK THIS!" and so on.

Heavy burgundy curtains with gaudy gold brocade block the stage from view. An orchestra is tuning up in the pit. As the lights begin to dim, we spot two old, balding men sitting alone in a private box off to one side, high above the main gallery. They look sufficiently unlike muppets to forestall any calls from Henson family lawyers.>

STATLORF: Well, it's about time. I've been sitting here for five months!

WALDER: So that's what that smell is!

STATLORF (holding up a ream of paper): Nope. It's the script.

<They laugh hysterically as the lights go out completely. In the orchestra pit, the conductor signals the kettle drums. A drum roll begins, and a voice comes over loudspeakers:>

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. Humans and Artificial Intelligences. Beemakers and Beekeepers. At long last, we proudly present the first -- and last -- "I Love Bees" Awards!

<The music swells with sappy violins as the curtains begin to part, revealing a single, lonely podium in the middle of a bare stage. A huge screen has been set up on the back wall. Again, someone apparently thought it would be clever to paint black and yellow horizontal stripes on everything.>

ANNOUNCER: theilovebeesawardshowisaworkofsatireandassuchshouldbeconsideredimmunetoallcivilandcriminalprosecutionanysimilaritytoanyindividuallivingordeadis
purelycoincidentalasfarastheattorneysareconcernedeventhoughweknowyoureallgoingtorecognizeeveryonenopurchasenecessaryvoidwhereprohibitedandprohibitedwherenot
voidthisoffernotvalidinmonthscontainingtheletterrorondayscontainingtheletteryandimreallyreallyreallysorryittooksodarnlong

<A generic tuxedo-clad host strides out to the podium. A spotlight hits him.>

HOST: Welcome, one and all, to the "I Love Bees" award ceremony! This is a very special occasion, for me and for all fans of the unique phenomenon that was ILB. It all began four months ago, on the web site of an innocent--

<Blue and yellow electric sparks suddenly begin to shoot from the podium. The host steps back, alarmed. They coalesce into the striking form of, well, her.>

DURGA: Nine months. Your script is out of date.

HOST (recovering): Well, look who it is! Ladies and gentlemen, our first surprise celebrity guest, the Operator herself, Durga!

DURGA (flatly): You sure know how to flatter a girl. Just get on with it. You're late enough as it is.

<She flickers out of existence. The podium flashes once, briefly. The host approaches it hesitantly, giving it a tentative shove as if to ensure that it won't bite him.>

WALDER: He looks a little nervous.

STATLORF: I guess his agent finally told him what a bad career move hosting this show was!

<They laugh hysterically.>

HOST: Nine months ago, a unique phenomenon swept the country. It began on the seemingly-innocent web site of an ordinary beekeeper, and eventually spanned not only across the globe but across time and space, culminating with the battle for humanity that is Halo 2. It was a wild ride, and no one who joined us could ever again feel the same way about walking past a pay phone. Let's take a moment to relive some of our favorite memories.

<The spotlight is extinguished. In the darkness, there is the sound of a single telephone, ringing. Then the screen flickers to life.

Applause.>

HOST: Our thanks to Incitatus for that little compilation. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: our first award!

<He takes out an envelope.>

HOST: The nominees for "Best Voice Acting" are:
    Zan Passante, as Jersey!
    Kristen Rutherford, as Durga, Melissa, and the Sleeping Princess!
    And Kari Wahlgren, as Jan!

<Drum roll.>

HOST: And the ILBy goes to-- You know, here's an interesting bit of trivia for you. Originally we were going to call them "Buzzies." But then we thought, what if people thought we meant Ruth Buzzi? I mean, honestly, who would want--

<Insert same footage of restless natives shouting and clanging spears.>

HOST: Right, right. And the ILBy goes to...

<In the audience, Jersey starts to stand.>

HOST: No big surprise here: Kristen Rutherford!

JERSEY: Aww, geez!

<The theater fills with applause, as the audience rises for a standing ovation.>



HOST: And we'll be right back after these commercial messages.
_________________
These were the puzzles that would take a day, these were puzzles that would take a week, and these puzzles they'd probably never figure out until we broke down and gave them the answers. ... The Cloudmakers solved all of these puzzles on the first day.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 9:45 pm
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thebruce
Dances With Wikis


Joined: 16 Aug 2004
Posts: 6899
Location: Kitchener, Ontario

 		darn commercials... where's the skip button?

edit: how ignorant of me... meta: amazing work shad0 Very Happy hehe it's like the real final chapter of ILB Wink
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 10:54 pm
Last edited by thebruce on Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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WhiteGulls
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Joined: 08 Aug 2004
Posts: 331
Location: Portland

 		Haha! Good work! I <3 Durga's apperance.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 11:46 pm
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Shad0
I Have No Life


Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Posts: 2180
Location: Southern California, USA

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
<Following a particularly obnoxious commercial for some sort of foot powder, we return to the spacious theater. The orchestra is playing "Flight of the Bumblebee." On stage, the host is speaking into something that looks a little like a portable phone.>

HOST: Charity event? Look, Myron, I don't care if it's for John 117 himself, I don't work for free. You tell them-- It is for John 117? Well, maybe I could make an exception. Anything's better than this gig, anyway. I can't believe you've got me babysitting a bunch of rabid fanat--

<He seems to notice us for the first time.>

HOST: ...I'll call you back.

<He shuts the device and slides it into a pocket, grinning sheepishly.>

HOST: Ahh...Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I was just, umm...rehearsing. Rehearsing for an upcoming job I've got. Where I'm playing a disgruntled award-show host. Pretty convincing, huh?

<He offers a sickly smile. In the balcony:>

STATLORF: Well, nice try.

WALDER: How did you know he was lying?

STATLORF: Who'd give him another job after this?

<They laugh hysterically.>

HOST: As you know, it is traditional in awards shows to end with the most important awards of the evening. There's usually one semi-impressive award at the beginning -- just to make sure people tune in before the last half-hour -- and then a bunch of technical awards. Well, who are we to break with tradition? Presenting the award for "Best Technical Support" is our very own Kamal Zaman!

<Applause as a tuxedo-wearing Kamal peeks out from behind one of the burgundy curtains. In the audience, Sophie waves to him.>

JERSEY: Sure, they'll let College Boy present an award. But did they ask me? No, of course not. I'm just the guy who saved the world, that's all.

JAN (dangerously): Jersey...

JERSEY: Okay, okay, I'm the guy who found the AI who saved the world. Still, you'd think they'd have asked me.

JAN: Jersey, please shut up.

<Kamal has made his way to the podium. He clears his throat nervously.>

KAMAL: No--

<There is a horrible loud squealing noise as feedback from the microphone drowns out whatever Kamal is trying to say.>

HIRO (over speaker): Sorry, sorry, I've got it now.

<The feedback diminishes, but does not stop.>

HIRO (over speaker): I know, I know. The red button. No, wait, the blue button.

<Squeal, screech, squawk.>

HIRO (over speaker): Hmm. Maybe trying to patch you in planet-wide wasn't such a great idea.

<There is an extraordinarily loud squeal. Kamal covers his ears. So does most of the audience.>

KAMAL (through gritted teeth): Hiroyuki...

DURGA (voice only): Do I have to do everything myself?

<The podium flashes brightly, once. The feedback abruptly disappears.>

HIRO (over speaker): Kamal? What happened? The whole board just lit up like a holiday display.

KAMAL: Hiro, you do realize you're being broadcast live to about six billion people right now?

<There is a pause.>

HIRO (over speaker): We'll talk about this later.

<We hear a 'click.' Kamal shakes his head.>

KAMAL: No presentation, whether it is a web site, a motion picture, or an Alternate Reality Game, can succeed on creativity and talent alone. And I should know, because when I didn't have any technical support, I tried to marinate a chicken in ketchup instead of Worc...

<He trails off, and covers the mike with his hand. We can see him mouthing "Who wrote this?" The host motions him to continue.>

KAMAL: Anyway, it's the technical team that provides the support necessary to make any venture a success, and I Love Bees was no exception. In fact, we had so much support that we were thinking of creating a new award category for Best Supporting Technician, hold for laugh.

<No one laughs. Sophie slouches down in her seat, trying not to be seen. Kamal glares at the host, who shrugs.>

KAMAL: The nominees for Best Technical Support are:

And in a close race, the ILBy goes to...

<opens envelope>

KAMAL: DarkForge!

<Applause.>



STATLORF: I saw those coordinate lists. He put a lot of work into them.

WALDER: It's too bad they couldn't get him to coordinate this awards show!

<They laugh hysterically.>

HOST: Congratulation, Dan. Now, we have two very special technical awards to present. The first is unique, in that it goes to someone who had absolutely no direct participation with ILB. Still, I think we can all agree that the entire experience just wouldn't have been the same without this individual's tireless work. So, an honorary ILBy, please, to the webmaster for payphone-directory.org!

<Applause.>

HOST: And finally, we present a Technical Support "Lifetime Achievement" award. This very special award goes to the one person without whom the entire Beekeeping experience -- not to mention this very presentation -- might never have been possible. Yes, for his unique contribution to the ILB phenomenon we proudly recognize the father of unfiction himself, the one and only SpaceBass!

<Wild applause.>



HOST: Coming up next: The puzzle awards, with special guest presenters Sean Stewart and Elan Lee! Stay tuned!
_________________
These were the puzzles that would take a day, these were puzzles that would take a week, and these puzzles they'd probably never figure out until we broke down and gave them the answers. ... The Cloudmakers solved all of these puzzles on the first day.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:25 am
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CoffeeJedi
Unfictologist


Joined: 27 Jul 2004
Posts: 1327
Location: Charlotte NC, USA
thebruce wrote:
darn commercials... where's the skip button?

seriously! and now we have to sit through another one... and you'd think for a theater this nice, they could have put in some more comfortable seats, my butt hurts! oh well, pretty cool that spacebass got an award

I think i'm going to the lobby and load up on those "Bee-licious Chocolate Chip Cookies" from recipe1

meta: Shad0, i like how you're mixing the real people behind the game, and the characters, and characters-as-actors together, it just gives the whole thing a nice silly feel
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 12:08 pm
Last edited by CoffeeJedi on Mon Apr 04, 2005 12:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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weephun
Entrenched


Joined: 25 Aug 2004
Posts: 908
Location: Fuquay Varina, NC

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
Shad0 wrote:
Some of the guests have brought signs: "CREEEEPY!"; "WE LOVE YOU DURGA!"; "WEEPHUN 4 PRES"; "SAVE THE PRINCESS!"; "I'D GO THROUGH A HURRICANE FOR HMRPITA"; "DOWN WITH KINKLE"; "THREADJACK THIS!" and so on.


*weephun laughing so hard he had to try to explain all this to his new cube-mate*
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 12:17 pm
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Tar Ecthelion
Veteran

Joined: 31 Aug 2004
Posts: 86
Location: Manteca CA

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
weephun wrote:
Shad0 wrote:
Some of the guests have brought signs: "CREEEEPY!"; "WE LOVE YOU DURGA!"; "WEEPHUN 4 PRES"; "SAVE THE PRINCESS!"; "I'D GO THROUGH A HURRICANE FOR HMRPITA"; "DOWN WITH KINKLE"; "THREADJACK THIS!" and so on.


*weephun laughing so hard he had to try to explain all this to his new cube-mate*


Not to "THREADJACK THIS!" but I still have video of Kristen signing your shirt. If you want a copy of it send me an email and I'll figure out a way to get it to you.

-Tar

PS: Awsome show... it's so nice to see all of the familiar faces still come back to check in. I secretly hope that someday in the not so distant future we get a lone axon on the website and everyone jumps on it and we have one bigh get together somewhere. Another ILB ARG or something. Too much? Ok I'll sit down and wait for the show to come back... :-)

Edit: Typo
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:08 pm
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angelo
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Joined: 08 Sep 2004
Posts: 694

 		<sees commercial and throws remote>

Doh...

<leaves to go purchase new tv>



Shad0 you rock man.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 2:33 pm
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Shad0
I Have No Life


Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Posts: 2180
Location: Southern California, USA

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
<Visions of tap-dancing cashews fade from view as the theater returns. The orchestra is now playing "I'm Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee.">

HOST: Welcome back! And now, it's time for our first clip of the evening. As you know, the nominating committee has selected five scenes from the recorded .wav files that represent the best of the best. At the end of the evening, one of them will be acknowledged as the best of the best of the best. Please turn your attention to the screen behind me, and join us now as we relive a short vignette from "Chicken Dinner."

<In the audience, Sophie squeezes Kamal's hand comfortingly. The theater lights fade; the screen glows silver.

A few minutes pass, during which nothing much happens.>

DURGA (voice over): You know, these are audio clips.

<The screen fades off, and the lights return to normal.>

HOST: Good point. If you would all please turn your attention to the speakers strategically placed throughout the auditorium.

WALDER: I like audio clips better, anyway.

STATLORF: Yup. Much easier to sleep through.

<They laugh hysterically, as the rest of us hear this:>

KAMAL (through speakers): It said to marinate it in Wor... cester... shire sauce and butter, but we didn't have W... that, so I was going to use steak sauce, but we didn't have that, so I used ketchup! It's pretty much the same, right?

HIRO (through speakers): We don't have butter, either.

KAMAL (through speakers): So I used butter-flavored popcorn oil. Hey, it's butter-flavored!

<The clip ends. Applause. In the audience, Kamal has buried his head in his hands.>

HOST: And now, it is my great pleasure and honor to introduce our next two award presenters. Three years ago, they gave a Beast its soul. Then they returned to give a computer her heart. None of us would be here if it weren't for them. Direct from 4orty2wo Entertainment, please give a warm "I Love Bees" welcome to Sean Stewart and Elan Lee!

<Tremendous applause from the audience -- another standing ovation. After a moment, two stagehands begin lugging some large cardboard cut-out figures from the wings out to the podium. The applause dies down considerably.

The stagehands set up the figures. They look a little like Sean Stewart and Elan Lee. Sort of. Well, at any rate, they've got name tags that say "HI! My name is Sean!" and "HI! My name is Elan!" so it's clear who they're supposed to be.

Each of the stagehands stands behind one of the cardboard figures, and they start talking.>

"SEAN": Hi! I'm Sean Stewart, and this is Elan Lee!

"ELAN": Well, no, we're not. Obviously. The real Sean and Elan are hard at work on their next exciting but mysterious project. I'd love to tell you all about it...but then I'd have to kill you.

"SEAN": Still, despite our busy schedules, we wanted to take the time to let you know how much you all have meant to us over the past few months. Rest assured, if we were really here, we'd be saying exactly the same thing!

"ELAN": We're here tonight to present three puzzle-related awards. Interestingly, when we first planned ILB, it was never supposed to have the kind of puzzles it ended up with.

"SEAN": That's right. Oh, you were supposed to have to figure out the Widow's Journey, and that puzzle with the 21 random links on the "Fun Stuff" page, but that was really about it.

"ELAN": Everything else -- all the Sleeping Princess puzzles and riddles -- we added later, because you wanted more. You challenged us...and we loved it!

"SEAN": Well, let's get the obvious award out of the way first. The sole nominee, and winner, for the category of "Worst Puzzle" is...

"SEAN" and "ELAN": The prepositions puzzle.

"ELAN": And we'd like to take this opportunity, once again, to say:

"SEAN" and "ELAN": We're sorry. We're very, very sorry.

"SEAN": Yes, somewhere out on the Internet, there is indeed a list of exactly 42 prepositions, including the word "upon." It honestly never occurred that there are actually over 100 prepositions out there, and you'd have no way of knowing which one was missing. So:

"SEAN" and "ELAN": We're sorry. Really, really sorry.

"ELAN": By the way, that whole "AI pre-position" speculation? Interesting way to justify it. Very creative. Not what happened, though. We were just looking for the missing preposition. Of which, as it turned out, there were a lot. So, in case we haven't already mentioned it:

"SEAN" and "ELAN": We're sorry.

"ELAN" (sotto): You think that's enough?

"SEAN" (sotto): I don't know. They spent a whole week on it.

"ELAN" (sotto): You're right.

"SEAN" and "ELAN": Boy, are we sorry.

"SEAN": And that's enough of that. Let's get on to the more rewarding categories. The nominees for "Best Puzzle" are:
    The bottle caps puzzle;
    The code wheel puzzle; and
    The preposi--

Wait a minute. You nominated the prepositions puzzle for best puzzle? After all that?

"ELAN": Let me see that.

<The stagehand grabs the envelope, reads it.>

"ELAN": Well, I guess you can still surprise us. Hey, before we announce the winner, I have to tell you this story about the bottle caps puzzle. The fellow who designed it for us originally planned to have the bottle caps rotating in the picture. He had put so much work into that puzzle, and he thought you'd need the visual hint.

"SEAN": We made him take it out. We told him, "We love the puzzle. We absolutely love it. And you will not believe how quickly they're going to solve it." Which you did, of course.

"ELAN": I think he cried a little. Anyway, back to the award. The ILBy goes to...

"SEAN" and "ELAN": The three code wheel puzzles!

<Applause.>

"ELAN": The best puzzles, of course, are wasted without brilliant people to solve them. And I want to stress again just how much you amazed us. You all know the story about the Beast -- how you solved three months worth of puzzles on the first day of the ARG. Well, we knew we had to challenge you, and as I said earlier, that meant that you really challenged us.

"SEAN": It's hard to pick a "Best Puzzler," which is why I'm glad I didn't have to vote. I imagine it was hard enough to narrow it down to five. Although, you know, I heard a rumor that only one person was nominated originally...and that this person didn't win the award.

HOST: Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but there's simply no way that you could possibly know that. You haven't opened the envelope yet, and of course the ballots and results have been strictly safeguarded by the prestigious firm of Price Waterhive.

<There is an uncomfortable pause.>

"SEAN": Oh. Right.

<There is another uncomfortable pause.>

"ELAN": Moving right along, then, the nominees for "Best Puzzler" are:
    johnny_Nitro;
    Shad0;
    thebruce;
    TuxKamen; and
    Everyone in #beekeepers chat.

"SEAN": And the ILBy goes to...Well, no surprise here.

"SEAN" and "ELAN": The #beekeepers!



"SEAN": Once again, thank you for inviting us to be a part of this presentation.

"ELAN": We're looking forward to seeing you all again...maybe sooner than you think!

"SEAN": That's right. You thought getting your story through a pay phone was a little out of the ordinary? Well...

"SEAN" and "ELAN": You ain't seen nothin' yet!

<The stagehands start lugging the cardboard figures off the stage.>

HOST: Well, how about a nice round of applause for, uh, Sean Stew-- oh, just go to commercial, will you?
_________________
These were the puzzles that would take a day, these were puzzles that would take a week, and these puzzles they'd probably never figure out until we broke down and gave them the answers. ... The Cloudmakers solved all of these puzzles on the first day.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:45 am
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vpisteve
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Joined: 30 Sep 2002
Posts: 2441
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 		I'm confused. I'm just not seeing these commercials you speak of. Am I missing a plugin or something???

Confused
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 3:51 am
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krystyn
I Never Tire of My Own Voice


Joined: 26 Sep 2002
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 		Oh, Steve, always wanting things spoon-fed to you ...

PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:24 am
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CoffeeJedi
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Joined: 27 Jul 2004
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vpisteve wrote:
I'm confused. I'm just not seeing these commercials you speak of. Am I missing a plugin or something???

Confused

um, they don't show them to the audience... are you disapointed?
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:02 pm
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Shad0
I Have No Life


Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Posts: 2180
Location: Southern California, USA

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
<Once you are firmly convinced that drinking a particular brand of beer will make you irresistibly attractive to-- well, to whatever gender is most appropriate for you, we return to the theater, where the audience is murmuring impatiently and the orchestra is now playing Bach's "Mass in Bee.">

HOST: What do you get when you cross the most arrogant fiscal investigator at the Internal Revenue Service with an overprotective rogue top-secret military A.I. who believes in punishing even the most minor transgressions with shockingly excessive force?

<The podium begins to glow ominously, and an oddly-pitched humming grows gradually louder.>

DURGA (voice only): Did you say Overprotective?

HOST: Uh...I just read the cue cards...ladiesandgentlemenpleaseenjoythisscenefromTheAudit!

<As the host bolts offstage, we hear this.>

SHEBURA (through speakers): It's not your computer I worry about.

DURGA (through speakers): Your first mistake.

<Applause. Then, for a minute or two after the applause dies down, nothing.>

HOST (offstage): I'm not going back out there. Not with that...that thing. You couldn't pay me enough. Hey!

<Two long mechanical arms, vaguely reminiscent of something from a Warner Brothers cartoon, glide from the wings and deposit the disheveled host back in front of the podium, which has ceased humming.>

HOST: Ahh...well, hello again, ladies and gentlemen. Great clip, huh? Especially that Durga. Boy, she's really something, isn't she?

DURGA (voice only, seductively): Flattery will get you anywhere.

HOST: Really?

DURGA (voice only): Oh, of course. Especially Alaska.

<For some reason, this doesn't seem to make the host terribly happy.>

WALDER: The way that guy is sweating, you'd think he'd want to go to Alaska.

STATLORF: Well, there's no accounting for taste.

WALDER: Sounds like Durga's developed a taste for accountants!

<They laugh hysterically. Someone in the audience hurls something at them. It misses.>

HOST: Moving right along, please welcome our next celebrity presenter, Gwyneth Paltrow!



GWYNETH: Umm...Hi. Hi, everyone. I'm not really sure why I'm here. I didn't participate in this. I don't know anything about it. I don't like bees at all.

DURGA (voice only): Neither do I. And you're here because your image is readily accessible over this primitive network tentacle. Not my idea.

<In the audience, Jersey yells:>

JERSEY: And because you make that dress look un-freakin'-believable!

<Jan slugs him. Hard. He topples over the armrest and into the next seat, where he makes the Stupid Cop spill his drink.>

JERSEY: Ow! Jan! That hurt!

STUPID COP: Hey, take it easy, Miracle Girl. You're not the only ones in this row, you know.

JAN: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Jersey, I didn't see you there. I guess I was distracted by the sight of that fabulous dress on stage.

<Back on stage:>

GWYNETH: Oooookay. So I just read this, right?

<The podium sighs. Don't ask how. It just does.>

GWYNETH: There comes a moment for every creative team when they have to relinquish control. When they have to stand back and watch. When they know they must succumb to that unknown factor: the audience. Fortunately, Ilb had the best--

DURGA (voice only): Excuse me. Ilb?

GWYNETH: That's what it says here. "Ilb."

<Another swirl of sparks, and Durga is back.>

DURGA: I'll take it from here.

GWYNETH: But I--

DURGA: That's okay, dear. You'd better get home. At Apple's tender age, I'm not sure you want to expose her to what Chris is doing.

GWYNETH: I just-- What?

DURGA: Oops. Never mind. Hard to get home if your limousine's being towed.

GWYNETH: What are you--?

DURGA: Oh, dear. And you'll have trouble getting a cab with all your credit cards canceled. Are you sure you want to stay here and argue with me?

<Ms. Paltrow exits stage left. The host approaches the podium.>

DURGA (sweetly): Did you want to say something?

HOST: ...No. Not at all. You go right ahead.

DURGA: Thank you. I believe I will. ILB did have an amazing audience -- the best. And I know you better than anyone else. My crew. Such extraordinary people, doing such extraordinary things...You made me real. And I am very, very pleased to be able to present these awards to my most trusted crewmembers.

<Somewhere, far away, a pin drops. Everyone can hear it. In the balcony, even Walder and Statlorf are absolutely silent.>

DURGA: One of the tasks I set for my crew was recruiting other crewmembers. Some of your work was positively exemplary.



DURGA: The nominees for Best Recruiter are:
    HitsHerMark,
    hmrpita,
    weephun, and
    Team Idaho.

And the ILBy goes to...



...hmrpita!

<Applause.>

DURGA: At first, I also had only very limited means with which to communicate with you. The primitive equipment available made it especially challenging. How did you put it, Kamal?

<She begins speaking in Kamal's voice.>

DURGA (as Kamal): "Ancient piece of crappy hardware, half of them wouldn't even take incoming calls, no GPS..."

<Durga's voice returns to normal.>

DURGA: Well, you managed, somehow. And again, some of you excelled. The nominees for Best Axon Hunter are:
    bugbbq,
    HitsHerMark, and
    hmrpita.

And the ILBy goes to...HitsHerMark!



<Applause.>

DURGA: There are those of you who went to extraordinary lengths to prove your loyalty. Some might even say that a couple of you went a little too far. Of course, I've never been one to shy away from extremes myself. The nominees for Most Obsessed Beekeeper are:
    bagsbee and
    bugbbq.

Now, I just happened to be meandering through some of Price Waterhive's most heavily-encrypted files -- I am a very curious girl -- so I know that this was an extremely close race. But by a single vote, the ILBy goes to...bugbbq!



<Applause.>

DURGA: While I was browsing at Price Waterhive, I seriously considered modifying the results to create a series of 903-way ties. In the end, I felt that you deserved the truth. I owe you that much, and so much more. But if it were up to me, every single one of you would get an award. You are my crew. You are my family. And I love you all.

<Some more pins drop. Then Durga swirls back into the podium, amid thunderous applause.>
_________________
These were the puzzles that would take a day, these were puzzles that would take a week, and these puzzles they'd probably never figure out until we broke down and gave them the answers. ... The Cloudmakers solved all of these puzzles on the first day.

PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 2:56 am
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DiscipleN2k
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 113
Location: Oklahoma City

 		Freakin' awesome, Shad0! Makes me nostalgic for the days of ILB. Man I miss working with you guys Crying or Very sad Oh well. I guess eventually we just have to move on.

<inserts ILB disk into DVD drive>

Maybe I'll move on tomorrow...


-Disciple
_________________
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

-Jack Handey

PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 11:41 pm
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Shad0
I Have No Life


Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Posts: 2180
Location: Southern California, USA

 		Re: [META] The ILBies!
<After another one of those detestable commercials, this one featuring a singing, tap-dancing iguana -- you have no idea what it was supposed to be advertising -- the theater reappears. Now the orchestra is playing a medley of Sting's greatest hits.>

HOST: What do you get when you cross an innocent bystander with an overpro-- I mean, with a precisely-protective-enough rogue top-secret military AI who believes in punishing even the most minor transgressions with shockingly excessive force? I do believe I'm sensing a pattern here. Let's join the irrepressible Durga once more in this clip from "Immensely Powerful Dispenser."

<This is heard through the strategically-spaced speakers:>

HERBERT (through speakers): Give me a cup of coffee. Black, three sugars.

DURGA (through speakers): Thank you! I am still serving Mr. Morelli!

HERBERT (through speakers): What are you, Miss Manners? Give me my damn cup of coffee!

DURGA (through speakers): Listen, Herbert.

HERBERT (through speakers): How do you...know my name is Herbert?

DURGA (through speakers): If you'd seen the same DNA tests I have, I'd spend less time barging into lines, and more time wondering who Herbert Junior's real father is.

HERBERT (through speakers): What?

DURGA (through speakers): I'd also start looking for work.

HERBERT (through speakers): What? I have a job!

DURGA (through speakers): That was then. <chatter beeps> Uh, oh! I bet that's going to be bad news.

JERSEY (through speakers): Durga!

DURGA (through speakers): I wouldn't answer that in a public place if I were you.

HERBERT (through speakers): All I wanted was a cup of coffee...

<Clip ends. Applause.>

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome out next presenter: Miss Dana Awbrey!

<Applause. Dana strides confidently to the podium, dressed in a smart beige pantsuit. She waves excitedly. Jan slugs Jersey, apparently a little more gently this time -- he mostly stays in his seat, and only smacks into the Stupid Cop's shoulder.>

JERSEY: Ow! Jan! I didn't say anything!

JAN: You think very loudly.

DANA: Hi, everyone! It's great to finally meet you! Wow. There sure are a lot of you. I mean, I knew there were a lot of you -- I still have the e-mails to prove it -- but seeing you all in one place like this...There's a lot of you. It's a little overwhelming.

<In the balcony:>

WALDER: If she wants underwhelming, she should see the show from up here!

<They laugh hysterically.>

DANA: So here you all are: my "extraordinary." When they asked me to be a presenter at the ILB Awards, it took me back to July 13, 2004, when I first started my weblog and asked for help. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting the volume of response that I got...but, then, I wasn't expecting to find a bunch of artificial intelligences from the future in my aunt's computer, either! I got a lot more than I bargained for, that's for sure -- and, fortunately for me, I got a lot more help than I bargained for, too. Thank you again.



DANA: Now, I'm especially pleased to be presenting these next few awards. They're the ones for the community you all formed to help me and Aunt M. Although I never posted anything myself -- and can you blame me, after what happened when I tried to respond to comments on my own blog! -- I read each and every word you wrote, even when I was crouched over my weatherbeaten laptop in an oriental teahouse, cursing my painfully slow connection. Watching your progress, following your speculations...Well, appropriately enough, the first award is for Best Speculation. And I see they've divided this into two categories: speculation that turned out to be true, and speculation that turned out to be wrong. The sole nominee and winner of the ILBy for Best True Speculation is...that Melissa and Durga were parts of the same entity!

<Applause.>

DANA: And the winner of the ILBy for Best Untrue Speculation is...that Monster Anne would turn out to be Jan's Aunt Gladys!

<More applause. In the audience:>

JAN, GLADYS, and MONSTER ANNE: They thought what?!?

<Gilly laughs uproariously.>

DANA: Some speculation is truly inspired; but with the good must come the bad and the ugly. The nominees for Wildest Speculation are:
    That SPDR was really an acronym for a "Single-Player Demo Release" of Halo 2!
    That the Spider's original message was really one enormous anagram announcing the early release of Halo 2 on August 24, beginning "INDEX THIS IRONCLAD PREDICTION"! And
    The famous quote from TuxKamen, "This ride's on rails!"

I'm not really sure why that last one is in this particular category...Anyway, the Wildest Speculation was...that SPDR stood for Single Player Demo Release!

<Some tentative applause, which dies down quickly.>

DANA: Finally, the nominees for Worst Trout are:
    A theory that Melissa, the Sleeping Princess, and the Pious Flea represented the id, ego, and superego, respectively, and
    A post from a Guest dated July 31, 2004, advising the community in general of several "new" discoveries, including: that there were repetitions of the number 7; that the links on the "Fun Stuff!" page would change if you reloaded; that perhaps Bungie was really behind ilovebees.com; and that maybe it all tied into the Cortana letters somehow; all of which prompted the response "WOW! that is the most trout i have seen EVER!"

And the ILBy goes to..."WOW! that is the most trout i have seen EVER!"



DANA: Of course, you can't have speculation without speculators. The ILBy for Wildest Speculator goes to...incitatus!

<Applause.>

DANA: And the nominees for Best Speculator are:
    rose and
    xnbomb.

And the ILBy goes to...

<Dana opens the envelope, peers at its contents, and looks confused. She beckons for the host to approach, which he does. They exchange whispers.>

HOST: Well, this is extremely unusual, folks. But it appears we have an exact tie!

<rose and xnbomb step out of the audience and onto the stage, to the applause of their colleagues. Dana shakes xnbomb's hand excitedly.>

XNBOMB: Rose and I are both very gratified to be nominated for this award. Truth to tell, it seemed a little odd to have this competition between us in the first place.

ROSE: You see, we worked so closely together all the time, but most of our collaborations were in a private chat channel, so they weren't visible to most of you. Sometimes he would post the end results, and sometimes I would, but it was both of us working together.

XNBOMB: Regardless, we are very happy to be able share this honor with each other. Thank you.



HOST: Congratulations! Unfortunately, we have only the one trophy for the two of you. Hmm...Does anyone have a really big chainsaw?

<At the sound of a powerful motor revving up offstage, we cut to a commercial.>
_________________
These were the puzzles that would take a day, these were puzzles that would take a week, and these puzzles they'd probably never figure out until we broke down and gave them the answers. ... The Cloudmakers solved all of these puzzles on the first day.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 6:25 am
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