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 Forum index » Meta » Various & Sundry
Greatest Complaint Letter Evar
Moderators: Giskard, imbri, ndemeter
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joebrent
Unfettered


Joined: 01 Oct 2003
Posts: 640
Location: New York, sometimes

 		Greatest Complaint Letter Evar
WARNING: not safe for virgin ears.

Spoiler (Rollover to View):
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

_________________
http://www.josephbrent.com

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:22 am
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skilletaudio
Unfettered


Joined: 17 Aug 2004
Posts: 515

 		oh my god that is the end all be all.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:33 am
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Phaedra
Lurker v2.0


Joined: 21 Sep 2004
Posts: 4033
Location: Here, obviously

 		G-d bless the British. Smile
_________________
Voted Most Likely to Thread-Jack and Most Patient Explainer in the ILoveBees Awards.

World Champion: Cruel 2B Kind

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 10:51 am
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Nightmare Tony
Entrenched

Joined: 07 Jun 2004
Posts: 824
Location: Meadowbrook

 		Retaining foreskins tends to have that effect on you.
_________________
For this is the place where dreams and nightmares are birthed and bred
Nightmare Park

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 11:16 am
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Phaedra
Lurker v2.0


Joined: 21 Sep 2004
Posts: 4033
Location: Here, obviously
Nightmare Tony wrote:
Retaining foreskins tends to have that effect on you.


That is an interesting and somewhat incomprehensible comment.

Pray, elaborate.
_________________
Voted Most Likely to Thread-Jack and Most Patient Explainer in the ILoveBees Awards.

World Champion: Cruel 2B Kind

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 11:31 am
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Tien_Le
Charter Member


Joined: 22 Sep 2002
Posts: 878
Location: corner of no and where

 		wow
That is simply and utterly perfect. Great writing. I laughed and laughed. Thank you for sharing it with us.
_________________
consume less; live more

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 1:22 pm
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Atrophied
Entrenched


Joined: 29 Aug 2004
Posts: 1133
Location: 53742E 4A6F686E27732C 4E4C00

 		I'm amazed... that is the best letter to a phone/electric company I've ever seen.

but I still want to hear Nightmare Tony's explanation for his post. Confused
_________________
"It will be happened; it shall be going to happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future." -- Time travel, as explained by Arnold J. Rimmer

"The Future's bright, the Future's Cuboid" - Juxta

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 2:28 pm
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Fi
Unfettered


Joined: 13 Apr 2004
Posts: 444
Location: London

 		/me sighs contentedly

Sometimes, I just can't help but love my fellow countrymen Very Happy

And Tony, just what are you talking about?!
_________________
simono: Master Chief needs free energy too you know.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:54 pm
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Phaedra
Lurker v2.0


Joined: 21 Sep 2004
Posts: 4033
Location: Here, obviously
Fił wrote:
And Tony, just what are you talking about?!


Yeah, I'm hoping it didn't mean what it seemed to mean. Confused
_________________
Voted Most Likely to Thread-Jack and Most Patient Explainer in the ILoveBees Awards.

World Champion: Cruel 2B Kind

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 6:16 pm
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Nik_Doof
Unfettered


Joined: 09 Oct 2004
Posts: 494
Location: Liverpool, UK

 		I'm also a NTL customer, i feel his pain Smile
_________________
Nik_Doof
No you cant have my 333 Letimark Very Happy

PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:13 pm
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