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UnFiction Fantasy Football
Moderators: Giskard, ndemeter, ScarpeGrosse

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joebrent
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Joined: 01 Oct 2003
Posts: 640
Location: New York, sometimes

UnFiction Fantasy Football

The fat lady's got her helmet and breastplate on. Cue the conductor.

One week to go, sports fans, and it's going to come down to me and my friend Dave Gilliland for all the marbles. Something about that DePauw University education, or perhaps the lack of it, but either way, we're spending New Years together with other recovering DePauw-ites, so wish me luck, because if he wins (the odds will probably be on his side), I'm in for a trash-talking they'll hear from New York to Indiana.

The consolation game will come down to Lou and his Man Group, and some Flying Avocados. This is the point at which I would start poking fun at the whimsical names of others, but then I remembered that me and Dave are known to Yahoo as The Jesus Quintanas and The Angry Telemarketers. So clearly, I've no right to poke. No poke for me. Keep that poker away from...hey, what did I just say!? No poke! Bad poke!!!

Urthstripe and his aforementioned Avocadi are on their way to Notre Dame, which is likewise an Indiana-based school. Famed Golden-Domed alumni include Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winners, astronauts, artists, athletes, scientists, doctors, titans of industry, Supreme Court justices, and politicians. On the other hand, the most notable alumnus of DePauw University was one Dan Quayle, a former Vice President most remembered today for his inability to spell the name of a certain perennial fruit. This should tell you a lot about the differences in intellectual ability between Urth and I. Therefore, out of repect to my clear superior, I must lay the odds on the Urth-Lou match on Touchdown Jesus. I do so with no knowledge whatsoever as to which school Lou himself went to; he might have a physics chair at Oxford in his spare time for all I know. But that's my reckoning, and if you harp on it, I'll throw a potatoe at you.

As for the championship game, I'll say this for Dave: he's no doubt closer to the Urthstripe end of the intellectual spectrum than to mine. Furthermore, he is the most brilliant musician I know, and that's saying a lot. But in addition to his recent wedding, which will certainly distract him from such trivialities as Fantasy Football, he is also an actual DePauw graduate, whereas I bounced from school to school before backing into a degree in washing machine maintenance from the Grenada School of Automotive Repair and Post-Bebop Harmonic Analysis. This, I think, gives me a huge leg up on him; the stain of a DePauw diploma has a tendency to follow a man throughout his life, mucking his endeavors, like a Plains State Albatross. Yes, I know there aren't many albatrosses in the American Midwest. Here's a pumpkyne with your name on it, wisacre.

So, to sum up, put your money in Urthstripe futures, both football-related and otherwise. Wish me luck against the Monster of the Midway; with your good thoughts, I'll send him and his piano back to the Shades from whence he came. And finally, watch out for flying fruit, be they avocados, or -- well, you get the point.

Enjoy the veal.

_________________
http://www.josephbrent.com

Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 7:38 am

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