unforum

[Rendon]

[General News] International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

[CreativeEmbassy]

I am one of Talk Like a Pirate Day's biggest fans. PLEASE tell me someone else in UF does this!

[Rendon]

I will


P.S. Thanks for helping me get the right board.

[addlepated]

Re: [General News] International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

[Ehsan]

Sounds like it's time for Cap'n Slappy and the Diabolical Eight-Ball of Destiny!

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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Please help me make this decision! My friend Andrew wants to buy me a plane ticket so that I can visit him across the country. I feel downright guilty taking his money although I desperately want to see him. What should I do?

Anne "Get your hands off me" Booty


Ahoy Anne!

Some decisions are too complicated for mere mortals such as ourselves. In these instances, I've found it helpful to defer to a higher power. Of course, I am referring to ..."The Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolicial Destiny!"

Aye, in case ye're new to Ask Cap'n Slappy, let me explain. I have a valuable piece of treasure ... brick-a-brackif you will ... a "magic" Eight Ball that can foresee the future with pin-point accuracy - however, the downside is that this oracle tends to be a bit on the "Negative Nelly" side - thus, the moniker, "Diabolical."

But let's see what it has to say. First, we give the Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolical Destiny a Shake. Shake, shaky, shaky, shaky, shake! And we ask our question. "Oh, Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolical Destiny! What should Anne "Get your hands off me" Booty do about her friend Andrew's offer to buy her a plane ticket so that she can visit him?" Then we look in the wee blue window and read:

"When you say, 'get your hands off me (Booty)' does this include Andrew? (who I will henceforth refer to as "Daddy Warbucks") Because if Daddy Warbucks is flying you across country - he may, in fact - and this is probably an over-generalization on my part - want to "tap some o' that!" "But no!" you say, "We're just friends! We like to hang out and go shopping and read "Tiger Beat" magazine!" Pish Posh! If he wants to fly you across the country - he's hopin' for a little of the "Bouncy-Bouncy!" Trust me. I once bought a train ticket for a sweet little cue-ball I met in St. Louis - and she masse'd me right into the corner pocket! BOOO-YAH! Sure, Daddy Warbucks wants to fly you! But he wants to be pilot AND co-pilot and he'll be wantin' an extra bag o' nuts AND an in-flight movie! So, if ye're willin' to play - he's willin' to pay.

Of course, ignore all of this if Daddy Warbucks is gay. Then, you're going to have a fabulous shopping trip! Toodles!"

Again, let me apologize for the Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolical Destiny. He's rough and tumble, but he calls 'em like he sees 'em.

Best o' Luck!

- Cap'n Slappy

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Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Will my girlfriend come home to me?

- Lonely Pirate


Dear Lone Pirate-dude,

Have you seen how things go when we consult the Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolical Destiny? It is a cruel oracle. But, it sounds like you really need to know, so let's give it a go, shall we?

First, we give it a little shake. Shaky...shaky...shaky...shake. And ask it the question, "Will Lonely Pirate's girlfriend come home to him?" and it says;

"Lonely Pirate will not be lonely for long. No, his girlfriend will not come back, she is never coming back, she has taken up with a Bolivian Trapeze artist and will be on the South American circus tour as a "Carney" for the next thirty-five years when she will move from the "Cotton Candy Booth" to the "Freak Show" when she discovers that she is double jointed during an orgy. You will not miss her, though, as you will become very fond of your collection of glass figurines from India. You will spend your days and nights rearranging them to optimize the way both sunlight and moonlight show the color of the different glass against your velvet "Elvis playing poker with dogs" painting. This will consume your life for the next four decades and you will never leave your home. Friends will beg you to "get out and do something," but you will ignore them and eventually, they will drift away like so much seaweed. But you will have your figurines, oh, yes you will. And they will never leave you, except for when they are stolen by hoodlums who break them on the sidewalk outside your house."

Oh Infamous Eight Ball of Diabolical Destiny!!! WHY MUST YOU VEX POOR LONELY PIRATE SO???

- Cap'n Slappy

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[aliendial]

Thanks to cerulgalactus for the reminder. It's Talk Like a Pirate Day again!

[rowan]

Not only that, but tonight Wench Swap, I mean Wife Swap, is on with the wife of one of the co-creatores of TLAP Day. You can read a brief account of her experience here. How can this episode possibly go wrong?!

[aliendial]

Arrrr!

[Lovek]