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 Forum index » Archive » Archive: Deus City » DC: Deus City
Backing Out of the Game for Awhile
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UnimportantHero
Decorated

Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 162

 		Backing Out of the Game for Awhile
Yeah, the suicide of a friend will do that to a player...
Um.

One of longest time friends killed himself.

I have known him since I was eleven years old. Fifteen years.

It took four days for anyone to realize he was gone.

FOUR DAYS!

That is too fucking long.

He introduced me to all the friends who kept me going through junior and highschool and past that. He was the instigator of so many late night escapes from the house I grew up in, just so we could all go do stupid shit like bowling or roleplaying or whatever. He was one of a whole gang of boys I still call my big brothers. He never made me feel like a tag along. He loved me and I loved him and we all loved each other. He was the one who told me to never even think about it again when he found out that I tried to kill myself w hen I was thirteen. When they all found out I was Emily he was so happy for me, really genuinely. Happier than even I was maybe. There is so much I could say about him, so many memories like jeeps being rocked back and forth on the pacific coast highway by the most brilliant thunder. Late nights in the the canyon. So much theater.

He was a microbiologist and geobiologist and vegan his entire life - except this one time when he ate a steak on his birthday at the prompting of a very drunken chosen family - and so nice and never without a kind word and open shoulder for anyone. But he was never the same after his mother and father died. I should have been there for him when I realized just how hard it was hitting him - for years after - but never imagined he would not have been fine in the end. I was too concerned with my own shit. Fuck I was awful.

The last time I was in Los Angeles I was supposed to see him? I called him to hang out. I still had his number memorized after years. He called me back and sounded real happy to hear from me on my voice mail but I flaked out because I was so filthy and broke and they always all seemed so set and good at living.

I did not want him to see me like that.

Fuck I do not even know what I am feeling now. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Not sure I can talk about this with people who are not part of that family. It is between me and the rest of us who knew him. I just. This is important so just I will be keeping my distance for awhile. This is why. Not sure why I have to share all this. I just need to post this because I just feel like I need to run around and grab strangers and scream and tell them about how great he is and he is gone and I cannot say was and fuck.

This is not real. This cannot be real. I do not want it to be. Please.

I want more time with him damnit. Okay cant really see the screen. Going now. Sorry if this was an overshare, real real sorry. Sorry that I will not be around to help facilitate Union shite, not that I have been doing the best job in the world recently. Hopefully the PMs will not forget about all of that. Anyway... I will see you all around eventually.

I love you, Sky.

P.S. My new instant messager address is MissMaudlinBells, just so you all know.

P.P.S. Posted a slightly edited copy of this to the DeusCity interface site. My friend was a roleplayer like me and loved ARG games too. Just ignore it if you cannot respond in-character sympathetically. It is understood. Thanks. Bye for now, fellow players.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 3:52 am
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TGI Fridays
Veteran


Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 123

 		emily, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. He sounds like he was an amazing person. I'm always here to talk if you need a sounding board. Know that you and your friends are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace be with you and yours in this difficult time.

adam

PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:53 am
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SpaceBass
The BADministrator


Joined: 20 Sep 2002
Posts: 2701
Location: pellucidar

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:30 am
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Silent
Boot

Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 56

 		As above. Best of luck.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:18 pm
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WolfHawk
Entrenched


Joined: 15 Nov 2006
Posts: 1247
Location: St. Louis

 		I am truly sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Emily.

One of mine died of cancer just last week; I understand what you are going through.

Keep your feet beneath the street.
_________________
Having abandoned my search for the truth I am now looking for a good fantasy.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be the headlight of an oncoming train.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:49 pm
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DarkHuman
Unfettered


Joined: 19 Apr 2006
Posts: 640
Location: Florida

 		I'm truly sorry about your friend. Please remember that you are part of our family here too. We all send our love, prayers and best wishes.
-Andrew
_________________
]Playing ->outcast?

PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 8:46 am
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UnimportantHero
Decorated

Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 162

 		yeah...
hey everyone.

thank you so so much for the kind words and feelings. i appreciate it very much. things are still hard to deal with. sometimes i remember something good and begin to laugh uncontrollably. other times i remember something good and cannot stop crying. either way people think i am crazy, and either way i find myself needing to be around people as much as possible even if i do not know them. makes for an awkward life. but i am just checking in here.

i will be back to the game in novemberish most likely. the memorial service is on the 22nd of september and after that i have several performances in baltimore that will take a great deal of my time. lots of glass eating/walking stuff with various cabaret and burlesque troupes out there. but once again, thank you all so much for your kindness.

http://rememberingsky.blogspot.com/2007/09/simple-little-memories-one-great-big.html

it is very hard. sharing this because, well, he is important to me. he is the reason i am the person whom i am today. in fact, although the 'hook' of the game is almost cinematic in scope (as are we all) he is very much part of the reason why the more realistically proportioned girl upon whom she is based (my real self) exists at all, both literally and figuratively. i love him so much and i will miss him even more.

anyway. yeah.

i will be back in the game in november. dont destroy the future while i am gone, okay?

edited to add: although i believe i now know OOG exactly who thundershard is ... the real world connection in my memory between this beloved friend who inspired me toward social justice and the thunder that stands so clearly within it ... is kind of ironic and almost makes me wish that i had the luxury of believing it to be him. oh well, so life goes.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:31 pm
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TGI Fridays
Veteran


Joined: 12 Jun 2007
Posts: 123

 		Re: yeah...
UnimportantHero wrote:
hey everyone.

thank you so so much for the kind words and feelings. i appreciate it very much. things are still hard to deal with. sometimes i remember something good and begin to laugh uncontrollably. other times i remember something good and cannot stop crying. either way people think i am crazy, and either way i find myself needing to be around people as much as possible even if i do not know them. makes for an awkward life. but i am just checking in here.

i will be back to the game in novemberish most likely. the memorial service is on the 22nd of september and after that i have several performances in baltimore that will take a great deal of my time. lots of glass eating/walking stuff with various cabaret and burlesque troupes out there. but once again, thank you all so much for your kindness.

http://rememberingsky.blogspot.com/2007/09/simple-little-memories-one-great-big.html

it is very hard. sharing this because, well, he is important to me. he is the reason i am the person whom i am today. in fact, although the 'hook' of the game is almost cinematic in scope (as are we all) he is very much part of the reason why the more realistically proportioned girl upon whom she is based (my real self) exists at all, both literally and figuratively. i love him so much and i will miss him even more.

anyway. yeah.

i will be back in the game in november. dont destroy the future while i am gone, okay?

edited to add: although i believe i now know OOG exactly who thundershard is ... the real world connection in my memory between this beloved friend who inspired me toward social justice and the thunder that stands so clearly within it ... is kind of ironic and almost makes me wish that i had the luxury of believing it to be him. oh well, so life goes.


Glad to hear you're doing a little better emily. Burlesque in Baltimore? Sounds like lobster boy (www.lobsterboy.net) - an excellent group I've seen a few times in John Waters' home town and Washington. Of course Baltimore has more joints around its city hall then just about any other city I know of.

Always be wary when you visit the monument city - remember, it's not always safe to trust our neighbors to the north. Virginia is for lovers and Maryland is for crabs...

PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:59 pm
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