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 Forum index » Archive » Archive: The Haunted Apiary (Let Op!) » The Haunted Apiary (Let Op!): General/Updates
[OT/JOKE] 5 Minute ILB
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Scumbag
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Joined: 27 Jul 2004
Posts: 214

 		[OT/JOKE] 5 Minute ILB
Since ILB is almost over, I've been working on a simple 5 Minute Version of ILB.

For those not in-the-know, a '5er' is a way of jokingly compressing a computer game or Star Trek episode into something really short. They usually are attempted to be funny, and make fun of the episode. Kinda MSTing on speed.

I aint funny, but I figured I'd try this out for ILB. Granted, its difficult since a lot of stuff is done, but I think that makes it more interesting.

Most of the timeline in this is what I remember off memory.

Ideally, I'd like to submit this under a group name eventually. Feel free to suggest / comment.

-
I Love Bees

Ilovebees.com: Here's a countdown, and a whole buncha stuff that basically only makes sense if you've played Pathways Into Darkness, Marathon, and Halo.

Unknown person on website: I am totally screwed up, or something.

SPDR: I'm totally going to fix the Unknown Person. Of course, in computer gibberish, since most people who are paying attention to this can understand it.

Dana: This sucks. My website is broken or something. I know, I'm going to randomly start deleting things on the website. I mean, it isn't if there is some really cheesed-off AI on my website, right?
Unknown Person On Website: Oh, its on *now*.
Dana: I'm going to China.

Countdown Timer: Its lower now, meaning things change. I'm important.

Operator: Ok, thanks to the SPDR, I kinda know a little about myself. I know that Dana is totally a bad person. She's an assassin or something. And I'm on some "internet" thing. Which is really low-tech compared to where I'm from. Even though I don't know where I am.

Pious Flea: Hi, I'm the Pious Flea. I'm weird.
SPDR: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Pious Flea: No, wait, I'm actually SPDR Version 5. Operator, delete the old SPDR, please.
SPDR: *poof*

Sleeping Princess: Hi, I'm the Sleeping Princess! I'm like a little girl, or something. But since I don't like Operator, and the Operator hates Dana, I *like* Dana.

Durandal From Marathon: I know that Bungie is using my old stuff to connect this game to Marathon, but I really need to call a lawyer.

Countdown Timer: I'm over. Whee.

Operator: I'm going to build 'roads', which lead to payphones. If I put them on the website, I'd bet people will go to them. Hmm... I'll entice them with small audio clips that won't make sense for a while.

Sound Clips: I'm a bunch of audio clips people listen to. I document a teenager that acts like Master Chief from Halo. And an AI named Durga, who is on this guy Jersey's computer. And some other people that I don't care enough to tell you about.
Durandal From Marathon: Apathy towards humans is *my* thing.
Sound Clips: Shush.

Operator: Hmm, there's quite a few more weeks before Halo 2 is released. More audio clips!

Sound clips: Ya know those people you don't quite understand? Because of me, you now do. But I'm going to keep adding people and items to the story.

Dana: I'm still around, and stuff. You're supposed to be empathic towards me. Besides, I'm sorta cute. Oh, and the Operator is making me help her get rid of the Sleeping Princess.

Sleeping Princess: I am a nice, innocent AI, la dee da. Oh, my friends are helping me against the Operator. Hi Guys!
Operator: No, its me. Die.
Sleeping Princess: Watch me scream so you people feel really bad that I'm dead.

Melissa: I didnt really kill the Princess. Now I'm Melissa. I'm basically the Operator Plus The Princess. Oh, and I'm going home, or something. Here's some audio files.

Final Sound Clips: Hey! We're the good guys, and we saved the world from the Covenant! Gosh, I hope that Halo 2 doesn't come out in a few days, because Halo 2 deals with the Covenant invasion of Earth.

{People go out to play Halo 2 at ludicrious speed}
-
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When I first got there and asked about I Love Bees, the attendant said I must be looking for some other theater... I said, "er....Halo 2 Preview Event?" and suddenly he understood what I meant.
fphzont jnf ynhtuvat

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:15 am
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Nightmare Tony
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 		As a fellow MST3KEr, Hi-Keeba!

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:54 am
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Tarrsk
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Joined: 27 Jul 2004
Posts: 98
Location: Washington, DC

 		Updated 11/5/04 to include Chapter 12

Heh... nice, but I think our pals in 2552 need some time. Smile Here's mine, which ended up a lot longer than I was planning... but I think it covers most of the bases. Some of the stuff is probably out of order, since I did it off the top of my head, but I'm pretty happy with it overall. Hope you like it!

In the year 2004, war was beginning...

Melissa: I live!

Dana: Help!

Melissa: That hurt. Now you die.

Dana: Time to make a discreet getaway. *ZOOM*

Melissa: WIDE AWAKE AND PHYSICAL!

Halo fanboys: Where's our ****ing demo?

Pay phones: RING!

thebruce: I am all over this.

In 2552...

Durga: I live!

Jersey: Creeeeepy!

Jan: Why am I so very, very strong?

Kamal: Man, I'm such a loser.

Hiroyuki: At least you know all about liver flukes.

Sophie: I forgot to mention, I already have a boyfriend.

Aiden: It's crime time, Kamal.

Back in 2004...

Sleeping Princess: You can't catch me!

Melissa: You cockbite!

Pious Flea: How you doin'? I mean, uh... !probe extern proc 0

SP: Ewww.

Dana: Once upon a time, there was a local fable that I told on my blog.

In 2552...

Rani: Ah've always been smart, and now Ah'm a spah.

Herzog: Standish is up to something.

Standish: Back off, you old reprobate!

Back in 2004...

Sleeping Princess: Still can't catch me! When I'm feeling sneaky, I do this: %^D!!!!111one

Melissa: I think I'll hammer some skulls to a fence post.

Flea: creepy

ARGers: So... many... phones... never... gonna... reach... 777...

Puppet Masters: Oh, if only they knew. MWA HA HA HA!

In 2552...

Kamal: My sister is the source of all my problems. *sob*

Sophie: I'm doing my best to change that.

Aiden: Hey, Kamal. Check out these FLASH CLONES.

Kamal: Flash clones are screwed up, man.

Aiden: I know, but let me tell you about this scheme I have involving FLASH CLONES.

Kamal: It won't work, because blah blah blah et cetera.

Aiden: Yes, but I have investors who want me to make FLASH CLONES, whichincidentallyhavetheexactsymptomsasyoursisterdidbeforeshedied.

Kamal: Holy shit.

Back in 2004...

Melissa: Bees bees bees.

Weephun: Psst, the princess is over there.

Melissa: Gotcha!

hmrpita: Quick, Princess, follow the 3 "7" balloons to freedom!*

SP: Got away! *raspberry*

In 2552...

Herzog: Help me, Rani.

Rani: Okay.

Standish: Not so fast, Herzog.

Herzog's Car: VROOOM!!! SPLASH!

Herzog: It's only a flesh wound!

Meanwhile...

Jersey: *HILARITY!*

Durga: Kamal... must... watch... Kamal...

Jersey: Man, you're really into that voyeuristic stuff, aren't you?

Durga: I don't know.

Back in 2004...

ARGers: Live calls, kickass!

SP: Teehee!

ARGers: Awwwww...

In 2552...

J^2: Jan, you're the spawn of Spartans.

Jan: My family is crazy.

Thin Kinkle: I am such an asshole. *BLAM*

J^2: *bites the dust*

Meanwhile, in a prerequisite Star Wars reference...

Jersey: Kamal... is your brother!

Durga: NOOOO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

Jersey: You better believe it, baby.

Elsewhere...

Kamal: Life sucks so much.

Sophie: Also, I'm going to be deported. Let's run away together!

Kamal: Yes! I mean, no! Marry that jerk!

Sophie: Meet me at the station. *promptly disappears*

Kamal: I guess I'll go to New Jersey alone.

In New Jersey!

Kamal: *KNOCK*

Jersey: I know everything there is to know about you and Sophie. And your sister is my toy.

Kamal: *SHRIEK OF RAGE*

*much fighting ensues*

Durga: Stop it!

Kamal/Jersey: He started it.

Back in 2004...

Melissa: Help me or I'll hurt your loved ones.

Dana: Okay then.

In 2552...

Jersey: Help us!

Rani/Jan/Kamal: 'Kay!

Jersey: *HILARITY*

Jan: *sigh*

Back in 2004...

Melissa: DIE!

SP: She's everywhere!!! *urk*

ARGers: *gasp in horror*

Melissa/SP: Oh wow. I live.

ARGers: YAY!

Melissa: Thanks, guys. Back to the future! *FOOM*

In 2552...

Team Jersey: Kick ass, take names.

Jersey Was it dots, lines, triangles? Triangles, dots, lines? Duck, duck, goose? Alpha, beta, gamma? Row, row, row your boat?

Artifact: Just push something!

Jersey: Be that way.

Artifact: Finally, the defining purpose of my existence: to make a loud, screechy noise!

Melissa/Durga: *CRACKLE* I'm back, baby. Wide awake and physical, and ready to rock.

Tank: BOOM!

Wall: GONE!

Jersey: Did we win?

Jan: Earth is still here!

Kamal: FOR NOW...

Orchestra: DUN DUN DUN!!!

"THE END...????"

I LOVE BEES 1.1: IT WASN'T THE END!!!!

In the year 2004...

Dana: Even though Melissa was rude and threatened my aunt's life, I will help her send mission logs to her crew. This is the true meaning of Christmas.

Halo 2 fanboy: WTF WHY ISN'T THIS HALO 2 DEMO AGAIN

ARGers and PMs alike: *gurgles with rage*

In 2552...

Sarah-John: Rani, why do we still use iron bars and mechanical cell doors in 2552?

Durga: Because even an ultra-smart rogue military AI can't beat a good, solid slab of metal. Fortunately, I'm also a lawyer.

Elsewhere...

Jersey: Let me reiterate: Jan is so damn hot.

Jan: I can kill you with my clothes.

Jersey: Oh MAN....

Durga: JOHN 117 SERAPH FIGHTERS MASTER CHIEF PILLAR OF AUTUMN HALO CAPTAIN KEYES DR. HALSEY THEY'RE EEEEVERYWHERE!!!

Kamal: No more craziness, Yasmine.

Durga: I wuv oo, big bwother!

A while later...

Kamal: Well, my tortured past has been resolved, everything should be smooth sailing from now on. Oh wait... Sophie's gone and my parents are still dead. *sigh* Life still sucks.

Mama: Everything you just said is wrong.

Kamal: Mama! Oh, how I missed your adorable accent!

Sophie: Hey, hubby!

Kamal: WHAT.

Sophie: Don't sound so shocked, asshole.

Kamal: Shut up! I love you.

Sophie: I know.

Elsewhere...

Moralis: Now that Aiden's nice, someone else has to be the edgy, youthful schemer.

Jan: Tell me more.

On a train...

Section Zero Guy: Have you ever felt lost? Confused? Out of touch with reality? Consider signing up with ONI Section Zero! Enlistment is fast and easy, and puts YOU on the fast track to success, with skills in campaign planning, stealth techniques, firearms use, political maneuvering, interior decorating, and much, much more! And for a limited time, we'll throw in a brand new toaster from the friendly folks at ONI Culinary Labs: "Food so mutagenic, it's not just a new experience... it's a new genome!"

Rani: Add in a free haircut and it's a deal.

Elsewhere...

Jersey: Everybody loves a happy ending!

Durga: Yeah... happy ending...

Jersey: Wait, what the hell is that sound?

Air Raid Sirens: Don't blame us, we're just the messengers.

Covenant nukes hit Redmond at Ludicrous Speed.

THE END.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 2:59 am
Last edited by Tarrsk on Fri Nov 05, 2004 5:15 pm; edited 4 times in total
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DreamOfTheRood
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 		Holy crap, that is hilarious!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 3:14 am
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mtb_man
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 		Reading that out loud quickly makes me feel like i'm in a monty python skit.

Very funny guys, pity it's all coming to a close. Sad
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 3:22 am
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thebruce
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 		tarrsk, get that up there Smile that's hilarious Laughing
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 3:36 am
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hurdleguy
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 		Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Ah hahahaha! Hilarity!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 4:01 am
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Scumbag
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Joined: 27 Jul 2004
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thebruce wrote:
tarrsk, get that up there Smile


Tarrsk's wouldn't get on the site - its not even remotely like any other 5ver on the site.

Read existing 5vers, and work within the format.

Oh wait, I already did that. My bad.
_________________
When I first got there and asked about I Love Bees, the attendant said I must be looking for some other theater... I said, "er....Halo 2 Preview Event?" and suddenly he understood what I meant.
fphzont jnf ynhtuvat

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 4:01 am
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Nova
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Scumbag wrote:
thebruce wrote:
tarrsk, get that up there Smile


Tarrsk's wouldn't get on the site - its not even remotely like any other 5ver on the site.

Read existing 5vers, and work within the format.

Oh wait, I already did that. My bad.


First step: wet the blanket. Like water hitting the ground, sinking in.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 5:11 am
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Macavity
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 		Hah, this reminds me of the Reduced Shakespeare Company!
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:14 am
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Tarrsk
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Joined: 27 Jul 2004
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Scumbag wrote:
thebruce wrote:
tarrsk, get that up there Smile


Tarrsk's wouldn't get on the site - its not even remotely like any other 5ver on the site.

Read existing 5vers, and work within the format.


Hmm... are you sure? I looked over a couple of scripts, and the only differences in format between my script and the ones on the 5ver site are the lack of a "ludicrous speed" bit and the addition of subheadings, which I think provide some necessary structure for this convoluted little tale. Wink

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:14 am
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weephun
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 		Hilarious!!!!

I would just add (in blue):
Tarrsk wrote:
Back in 2004...

Melissa: Bees bees bees.

Weephun: Psst, the princess is over there.

Melissa: Gotcha!

hmrpita: Quick, princess follow the 3 "7" balloons to freedom!

SP: Got away! *raspberry*


If you're gonna give me credit for getting the princess locked away the first time, you've got to give credit to hmrpita for getting her out.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:23 am
Last edited by weephun on Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:42 am; edited 2 times in total
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SuperDunner
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 		d
::cough:: jealous ::cough:: Wink
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 11:27 am
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Ryee
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 		lol super i was thinking the same thing

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:06 pm
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Scumbag
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 		I'm not jealous. I'd say I'm a little mad that I took the time to work on a 5ver that actually had a chance of being posted on the site, and then have it be ignored by someone else's idea that would never be on the site.

Is it funny? Yeah. Is it a 5ver? Not even close.

Quote:

I looked over a couple of scripts, and the only differences in format between my script and the ones on the 5ver site are the lack of a "ludicrous speed" bit and the addition of subheadings, which I think provide some necessary structure for this convoluted little tale.


Off the top of my head -

1- ARG players, Halo Fans, and Puppet Masters are not characters in ILB.

2- 5vers are supposed to be short, for people who already know the plot. You spent a great deal of time detailing whats in the sound clips. I did it with 3 usages of "Sound Audio".

3- 5vers are dialogues of scenes, not characters spouting single lines.

So basically... I'm not jealous, its just not a 5ver. There's a reason why I posted this message in the first place; I've read enough 5vers to know what gets submitted, and what doesn't.

I should have just submitted this by myself. What a dolt I was.
_________________
When I first got there and asked about I Love Bees, the attendant said I must be looking for some other theater... I said, "er....Halo 2 Preview Event?" and suddenly he understood what I meant.
fphzont jnf ynhtuvat

PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:20 pm
Last edited by Scumbag on Mon Nov 01, 2004 12:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
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